This is life…

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Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong world and possibly my dreams are the real world in which I should be living, dancing, singing, traveling and maybe that cat with the kittens that I keep saving will eventually stop having kittens for me to save. Then, there is the tiger that I see following me as I meander through fields, as I’m hanging out the side of a boat traveling down a river and the same tiger appears on the shore.

Maybe the cats are a series of warnings from my subconscious that when you’re dreaming of sitting at a baseball game and having a wonderful peaceful moment on a boat, and a tiger appears…perhaps someone in your life is meant to be the cause of the representative of the tiger?

You see, I’m scared of the tiger, yet drawn to him. When, I always save the kittens and the mother cat and I’m the savior.

This is a lot like life.

You never know when the tiger will show its stripes and or when it will attack.

Yet, you wake up each day and with good intentions keep traveling through your life in hopes that everything will be ok.

Lately, I’ve seen my share of tigers and I’m wondering if in some way, I’m not the cat that needs rescuing.

With each and every loss we have and every failure or love lost, it has all led me here. At times, these failures, I see as my greatest successes and at other times, just another girl with a dream. I still get up, get dressed and put myself back out there and know that I’m stronger than I feel.

Swiped Right

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It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.

I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.

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Someday…between the sun & moon

justagirlinnyc

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Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.

I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”

He lives on a…

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Love and loss

justagirlinnyc

When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.

– A Winters Tale

The world is an unstable and crazy place.
In the past year, I managed to have my heart broken by the same man so many times that I stopped counting. It went like this…
Everytime I had a date with him and would go get excited, find the perfect outfit, get a Brazilian wax…he would ultimately cancel or not show up for our plans. It was always a good excuse, meetings at work or an symposium and etc. Myself, with the perfect panties, bra and outfit on, in addition to the removal of my modesty that I’d left…

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Someday…between the sun & moon

2015/01/img_5418-1.jpg

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.

I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”

He lives on a different continent, is one thing.

He challenges my beliefs that “someday” was a missed opportunity 20 years ago and now, we steal moments and exchanges between the sun and moon’s rotation. I miss him when he sleeps, but know that when I awake that I will awaken to some kind words from him, all of which I devour in minutes of bliss to wonder what life would be like with him beside me. Then, in an alternate or parallel universe, had we met sooner, lived near one another…would we have found each other sooner?

This man is amazing to me. I lf I created a list of the items that I would look for in my perfect person, he would have 90% of them. I can see myself in him, as he is an exact reflection of myself in ways.

He sends me poems, quotes, motivates me, we share our deepest secrets, desires, hardest moments, and I know his dreams, as they are similar to my own.

He gives me a sense of calmness just by knowing he’s there. He has made me a mixed tape of sorts in this age- via a Spotify playlist, and we have developed a dream life called, “Someday”, in ways, we have developed a language of our own, that only he and I would understand. We have gotten to a place we need not to say an entire sentence, but by a song reference and it becomes its own story. I can imagine him being there at the end of a tough day and catching me if I ever fall.

So, why is it that I’m so challenged in just letting this happen naturally, allowing my heart to open up? Why is it so hard being vulnerable? As with every step towards this man, I want to take two steps back in fear of losing what little faith that I have left in finding love. Yet, to find love, you must take a chance.

When do you just give in and let go of the past, jump in with everything and let things happen naturally?

Can we truly ignore these feelings and ignore them, or do we honor them and decide to take the scary steps and follow it where it takes us?

I’m at the crossroads here, as this feels like I’m on the edge of a very new adventure..and as scary as it feels, I don’t think that I can turn around now and need to take it one day at a time and enjoy what goodness it brings.

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Chinatown & The Happy Ending…

Chinatown & The Happy Ending….

Love and loss

When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.

– A Winters Tale

The world is an unstable and crazy place.
In the past year, I managed to have my heart broken by the same man so many times that I stopped counting. It went like this…
Everytime I had a date with him and would go get excited, find the perfect outfit, get a Brazilian wax…he would ultimately cancel or not show up for our plans. It was always a good excuse, meetings at work or an symposium and etc. Myself, with the perfect panties, bra and outfit on, in addition to the removal of my modesty that I’d left somehow on the waxing table when being stripped of my honor in more ways than one.

Life is funny.

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add Up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Over Christmas, I found out through a facebook posting that my ex boyfriend, who my friends and I nick named:
The runner ( he ran marathons)
Superman
The drunk in the fountain
The Webster guy
John / the nerdy one

With all the names and innocence, I met him online via match.com when living in StL. At the time, we dated enough to have happy hour, sleep overs and after his first marathon, I made him a care package.

He was a good man. Quirky, but good. Since moving away from STL, I lost touch with many, but John always kept in touch with me via text, Facebook or an email. He would always ask me how I was in a genuine & caring way.

Last year, he started sending me the nicest notes and confessing how he’d always cared for me, he even apologized for not showing me how much when we dated on and off, and not being the man that I deserved. He told me in one exchange that he loved waking up with me and watching me sleep.

He never told me that he loved me or even that he cared about me when we were dating, as it was always through a poem he would read or the way he would pull me close.

Earlier this past year, he started flirting with me once again via face book. He told me that he did fall head over heels for me; that he didn’t know why he was so afraid to try to make something more happen with us or try to have a life with me, but he knew that we would definitely see one another again. He made me understand that even in my darkest moments with him that he always loved me in his way and cherished our friendship.

The night in December, that I read on Facebook that he’s died from a posting on his page from his brother shocked me. It turned my heart inside out and truly hurt me to find out via social media that he’d been suffering with a terminal illness for years and didn’t tell me, and then finding out like this.

This is the first time that a man that I’ve loved as not only a friend, but a lover died. The sad part is that he had been reaching out to me for 9 months prior and trying to reconnect with me. I’m happy that I flirted with him, and in every exchange we were sweet and kind. However, he was making amends with me and now, that thought makes me sad. There were days that he would message me and I was too busy in my own life to respond though.

John passed away of kidney failure the week before Christmas, according to his brother. Honestly, he was a challenging man and it was miraculous how close we were and that we remained friends.
He was 44 years old. He ran marathons, he was a difficult person at times, loved animals, we disagreed on politics, but he deserved love in his final days.

What kills me is that he sent me a message before he died saying, “Happy Holidays” and died less than 7 days later, but I was so busy with work and life to respond. His days were numbered as he wasted a small part on reaching out to me and letting me know he cares, yet he never told me that he was sick and dying.

Remember, the lesson is that everyone in your life is important. Try to always speak with honor, integrity, be authentic and do everything with love. Stop and respond to people that are offering you a kindness, as you never know if that will be your last time with them.

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