Love and loss

When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.

– A Winters Tale

The world is an unstable and crazy place.
In the past year, I managed to have my heart broken by the same man so many times that I stopped counting. It went like this…
Everytime I had a date with him and would go get excited, find the perfect outfit, get a Brazilian wax…he would ultimately cancel or not show up for our plans. It was always a good excuse, meetings at work or an symposium and etc. Myself, with the perfect panties, bra and outfit on, in addition to the removal of my modesty that I’d left somehow on the waxing table when being stripped of my honor in more ways than one.

Life is funny.

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add Up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Over Christmas, I found out through a facebook posting that my ex boyfriend, who my friends and I nick named:
The runner ( he ran marathons)
The drunk in the fountain
The Webster guy
John / the nerdy one

With all the names and innocence, I met him online via when living in StL. At the time, we dated enough to have happy hour, sleep overs and after his first marathon, I made him a care package.

He was a good man. Quirky, but good. Since moving away from STL, I lost touch with many, but John always kept in touch with me via text, Facebook or an email. He would always ask me how I was in a genuine & caring way.

Last year, he started sending me the nicest notes and confessing how he’d always cared for me, he even apologized for not showing me how much when we dated on and off, and not being the man that I deserved. He told me in one exchange that he loved waking up with me and watching me sleep.

He never told me that he loved me or even that he cared about me when we were dating, as it was always through a poem he would read or the way he would pull me close.

Earlier this past year, he started flirting with me once again via face book. He told me that he did fall head over heels for me; that he didn’t know why he was so afraid to try to make something more happen with us or try to have a life with me, but he knew that we would definitely see one another again. He made me understand that even in my darkest moments with him that he always loved me in his way and cherished our friendship.

The night in December, that I read on Facebook that he’s died from a posting on his page from his brother shocked me. It turned my heart inside out and truly hurt me to find out via social media that he’d been suffering with a terminal illness for years and didn’t tell me, and then finding out like this.

This is the first time that a man that I’ve loved as not only a friend, but a lover died. The sad part is that he had been reaching out to me for 9 months prior and trying to reconnect with me. I’m happy that I flirted with him, and in every exchange we were sweet and kind. However, he was making amends with me and now, that thought makes me sad. There were days that he would message me and I was too busy in my own life to respond though.

John passed away of kidney failure the week before Christmas, according to his brother. Honestly, he was a challenging man and it was miraculous how close we were and that we remained friends.
He was 44 years old. He ran marathons, he was a difficult person at times, loved animals, we disagreed on politics, but he deserved love in his final days.

What kills me is that he sent me a message before he died saying, “Happy Holidays” and died less than 7 days later, but I was so busy with work and life to respond. His days were numbered as he wasted a small part on reaching out to me and letting me know he cares, yet he never told me that he was sick and dying.

Remember, the lesson is that everyone in your life is important. Try to always speak with honor, integrity, be authentic and do everything with love. Stop and respond to people that are offering you a kindness, as you never know if that will be your last time with them.


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