Source: Love The Way You Lie…
Why is it as we age, we start reminiscing more?
It was my birthday week and another year slipped by with happy hour, cocktails, meeting & celebrating with friends a hangover or two and I’ve realized that I have some amazing people in my life from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. I am blessed with a full life of friends and family. At times challenges, but all is with good intentions.
I’ve made some committments to myself this year that I’ve not kept well on and decided as I was walking through Central Park today, and noticing the ponds beginning to thaw that it’s time that I start making good on these and quit making excuses.
My treat to myself was to attend a past life regression workshop with Mira Kelly and she shared some wise words with us about, “following everything that excites you, not to let fear get in the way and be open to new experiences.”
I know, I could read this in a book, yet it rings true as I want to make changes in my life for the good, yet get stuck and end up sitting on the sofa making excuses.
At work, im a part of a strong womens network and we were working on our video’s for #passthetorch4women and I wrote and recorded to be more of an inspiration and influencer for women to be their authentic selves, but in hindsight I need to remember to do this, it has to start with me.
I need to be comitted to nuturing my own soul before I can be committed to inspiring change in others.
I’m committing to myself to make more positive changes, to challenge myself and inspire myself to be better.
Committing to be better with nuturing myself, healing my body and getting myself back in shape physically and mentally inside and out.
I’m on a new path…of taking care of myself first and loving who I am and who I’ve become, so that I can allow love in my world and make a difference through my changes. I am going to trust myself more and listen to my body, mind and not give as much to others of myself, but support from the side as a partner.
This may be a great new beginning.
You know the story, as it’s been written about in a lifetime of stories for centuries and it always starts with….Boy meets girl.
Boy makes girl smile, he makes her laugh and tells her she is pretty, smart, engaging and then, there is the chemistry. I haven’t even gotten to the similarities yet…finishing each other’s thoughts and sentences. Ahh…the beginning of a new relationship is blooming.
I’ve met a man who makes my heart spin cartwheels, he makes me smile so often that my face hurts, and his voice calms me when I hear it. At times, it’s as if we are the very mirror image of one another in many ways.
How is life so cruel? You meet the perfect person for you, seems to be the one, you know the one person that compliments you, the one that you didn’t even know that you were looking for and yet, you don’t have timing on your side. There are clues that something is amiss, but you call it an off moment. Then, you settle into the slow responses, or no responses, then the long silences, and eventually, you say your “goodbyes” and all that you remember is the word “friends” being mentioned. Then, you pick yourself up, put on your mask and step back into the world alone. Again.
Isn’t life funny? This is simply the universe whispering to me that, “Timing is Everything.”
I reply, “Timing is a Bitch!l”
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? There are twists, turns, emotions, sadness, excitement and heightened feelings and emotions, as you try to fit everything into a small amount of time.
You’re partner is like a dealer of love or attention, and when they pull away or don’t lend that same attention or feeling to you…you want it more. It’s a sick game that your mind plays on you, as you slip from being that once confident person to becoming the one lying on the bathroom floor or laying in an empty be night after night going over every detail to try to figure out just when you stopped being the one and turned into that pathetic, needy version of yourself.
I’m not that person, but I can tell you from experience, I’ve been that person more than once. In all of life, I’ve never had one homerun in life in love, where I’ve felt the comfort in knowing someone will still be waiting for me when I get home… unless you’re talking about my four legged friends. Let’s be honest, they stay because I feed them.
In the back of my head, I always think that it is just a matter of time until this happens…the second guessing, a rough day and the day ends with one or both of you not making each other a priority.
Things slip, you stop talking a day here, stop sharing ideas, and you both add some space to focus on work, life and etc…until it eventually fades into just friends. I don’t handle this well when I can’t see someone, and I’ve never been good at long distance relationships or relationships where one travels too much between seeing one another.
Part of me knows this, then the other part is holding onto hope or a glimpse of this working out. It’s a cruel joke that life plays on you, especially when there are so many odds against you from the beginning.
My core tells me that it’s about managing, “the little things” and through these affirmations daily, you can try to beat the odds, but in life there are no guarantees and all is fair in Love and war, they say.
I’m finding my self getting that incredible stir inside of me, you know….the one that makes me spin, the one that makes me laugh…just the the one that makes me magically want to leave it all behind and escape into a foreign land, a foreign place where there is nothing, but ruins, art, new sites, adventures, new friends, and a new beginning and maybe an end to something I’m leaving behind.
Either way, I’m getting the urge again to travel alone on a new adventure and take a leap into the unknown soon.
Is this just being bored, not being challenged, or am I ready for a change? I don’t know yet…my mind wanders to a time where I left everything and traveled several countries alone. It was scary, it was tough at times, but the life that came from the travels were amazing and I learned a lot about myself.
I lost my home, left my love, lost my job, lost my dog, lost a cat, lost part of myself in the transition, yet on my travels I met myself again. A new, stronger self and have never looked back at a time in my life as a better opportunity.
I would love to say that I’ve actually found a new love in my life, yet love evades me…as it usually does. It comes during a night and sneaks out by Dawn again with only a few lingering promises of love, a future, a dream of a lifetime that I yearn for and a wish on forever.
I’ve heard this story a hundred times or more in my forty plus years and it always ends the same, with me in tears, left waiting and never with the outcome one had hoped.
Life is tough for a dreamer, yet dreams only come true for those who make wishes.
I’ve gone through the emotions of a fantastic date, a great love, to en emotionally unavailable ex, a string of bad dates from a Karaoke King to a Broadway Producer, then a Diplomat, the single parent, the Angry date and there is always one common theme… I just wanted to find someone that shared the same kind of strange ideas as myself, who could talk with me for hours and that in the end, I could find a connection with.
To all of the drinks, lonely nights, sonnets written, poems, mixed tapes, and playlists in the end… I just want him to whisper in my ear that he cares, hold my hand, talk with me about life and kiss the hell out of me like he means it.
If you find one of the above, you’re a lucky person. Hold onto it because passion is rare at times when love and friendship wavers, if you’ve not found it yet, have hope as it is waiting around the corner when you least expect it.