He sends me lyrics, poems and songs. Shares his dreams, fantasies and childhood memories. He knows my secrets and I know his, yet we are both still like two star crossed teenagers finding love for the first time.
He makes my heart smile.
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. – Dr. Seuss
I learned of another loss of a close friend this week via Facebook.
This week, my girlfriend, “Bernie” (Bernadette) lost her battle with ALS.
To all that knew her, they knew the light inside he that shined and that she was loved.
Bernie and I met almost 9 years ago when we worked together in Human Resource. I recall her telling me, “I know where you live!! Wow. I grew up on that street, and from that first meeting, we quickly became close friends.
My times with her were spent like any others, sharing stories of life, discussing men, work, friends, having coffee, dinner, drink and believe it or not, we even went to a personal trainer together and started a work out routine.
This is one of my funniest memories of Bernie, as she was always so humbled. We started seeing a personal trainer together during lunch hours, and one day when she got back to her office, she had to call me to tell me that on her way back to the office, she’d stopped in the drive-thru of McDonalds. While sitting and waiting for her food, she realized that she still was wearing the heart monitor from the personal training session that we both just took….after laughing so hard about the fact that she’d done that, we also laughed that she’d gone to McDonalds after working out together.
We spent many days laughing at life together and watching the world go by from her yard or the patio next to the Bocce courts at the end of the street.
Bernie and I both had the misfortune of being unemployed together at the same time, and we even ran into one another at the unemployment office once, as we were both laughing and hugging about it…we started meeting regularly to encourage one another in finding new jobs. We even would have dinner nights, where I would cook and we would just stay in, as to feel like we were still going out.
Over the past few years, we had only spoken on occasion, as if moved to NYCITY and she to a home.
It’s sad to lose a friend so young and especially, knowing that they were going through something so tough before passing. Had I not moved away, I would’ve been to visit and spend time with her.
Rest in peace my good friend…I know you’re in a better place, but I wish I’d had a chance to say, “goodbye”.
Love & Light
Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong world and possibly my dreams are the real world in which I should be living, dancing, singing, traveling and maybe that cat with the kittens that I keep saving will eventually stop having kittens for me to save. Then, there is the tiger that I see following me as I meander through fields, as I’m hanging out the side of a boat traveling down a river and the same tiger appears on the shore.
Maybe the cats are a series of warnings from my subconscious that when you’re dreaming of sitting at a baseball game and having a wonderful peaceful moment on a boat, and a tiger appears…perhaps someone in your life is meant to be the cause of the representative of the tiger?
You see, I’m scared of the tiger, yet drawn to him. When, I always save the kittens and the mother cat and I’m the savior.
This is a lot like life.
You never know when the tiger will show its stripes and or when it will attack.
Yet, you wake up each day and with good intentions keep traveling through your life in hopes that everything will be ok.
Lately, I’ve seen my share of tigers and I’m wondering if in some way, I’m not the cat that needs rescuing.
With each and every loss we have and every failure or love lost, it has all led me here. At times, these failures, I see as my greatest successes and at other times, just another girl with a dream. I still get up, get dressed and put myself back out there and know that I’m stronger than I feel.
It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.
I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.
Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.
Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.
I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”
He lives on a different continent, is one thing.
He challenges my beliefs that “someday” was a missed opportunity 20 years ago and now, we steal moments and exchanges between the sun and moon’s rotation. I miss him when he sleeps, but know that when I awake that I will awaken to some kind words from him, all of which I devour in minutes of bliss to wonder what life would be like with him beside me. Then, in an alternate or parallel universe, had we met sooner, lived near one another…would we have found each other sooner?
This man is amazing to me. I lf I created a list of the items that I would look for in my perfect person, he would have 90% of them. I can see myself in him, as he is an exact reflection of myself in ways.
He sends me poems, quotes, motivates me, we share our deepest secrets, desires, hardest moments, and I know his dreams, as they are similar to my own.
He gives me a sense of calmness just by knowing he’s there. He has made me a mixed tape of sorts in this age- via a Spotify playlist, and we have developed a dream life called, “Someday”, in ways, we have developed a language of our own, that only he and I would understand. We have gotten to a place we need not to say an entire sentence, but by a song reference and it becomes its own story. I can imagine him being there at the end of a tough day and catching me if I ever fall.
So, why is it that I’m so challenged in just letting this happen naturally, allowing my heart to open up? Why is it so hard being vulnerable? As with every step towards this man, I want to take two steps back in fear of losing what little faith that I have left in finding love. Yet, to find love, you must take a chance.
When do you just give in and let go of the past, jump in with everything and let things happen naturally?
Can we truly ignore these feelings and ignore them, or do we honor them and decide to take the scary steps and follow it where it takes us?
I’m at the crossroads here, as this feels like I’m on the edge of a very new adventure..and as scary as it feels, I don’t think that I can turn around now and need to take it one day at a time and enjoy what goodness it brings.
It’s been awhile… 2014 was a year of loss, pain, hard work, struggles, battles, there were a lot of tears and times that I was tested beyond my own beliefs.
I endured a difficult year, starting with a new job, struggling with difficult people, had my heart broken into several pieces, mourning the loss of a dog, a cat, family and friends, there was an injury, surgery, a new job, an old job, another new job offer, then another job offer to stay with the promise of many treasures should I build the castle as deemed.
My struggles were mine, they were both internal and external, yet I held myself to be true to who I was, kept my strength and proved that I was beyond being defeated by them. I traveled to Europe, across the states, made new friends, lost some friends, fell out of contact with some, and built a new plateau of which I needed to rise to.
In helping friends, I gained a cat and found a new love in something so innocent. #sparecat
I lost love, mended my heart, received redemption, a sweet goodbye, validation and walked away with pride. I met old loves from my past as new friends, and I went on many, many first dates and with each one getting worse and more comical, I never let it kill my belief or sense of wonder that there was someone out there.
I spent time with my family and friends and was lucky enough to hug them all.
In the end of the year, I look back and realized that I made several new friend’s last year, most of them have proven to be the best parts of 2014 and renewed my faith in people & new connections in this life.
With all of the lessons of 2014, I have no regrets. I’m ready for a new year… new beginning and I am on a new track…. Over time, I will catch up on the stories of 2014 and the new adventures to be had in 2015.
Thank you for the follow and the support…