Love & Light

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. – Dr. Seuss

I learned of another loss of a close friend this week via Facebook.

This week, my girlfriend, “Bernie” (Bernadette) lost her battle with ALS.

To all that knew her, they knew the light inside he that shined and that she was loved.

Bernie and I met almost 9 years ago when we worked together in Human Resource. I recall her telling me, “I know where you live!! Wow. I grew up on that street, and from that first meeting, we quickly became close friends.

My times with her were spent like any others, sharing stories of life, discussing men, work, friends, having coffee, dinner, drink and believe it or not, we even went to a personal trainer together and started a work out routine.

This is one of my funniest memories of Bernie, as she was always so humbled. We started seeing a personal trainer together during lunch hours, and one day when she got back to her office, she had to call me to tell me that on her way back to the office, she’d stopped in the drive-thru of McDonalds. While sitting and waiting for her food, she realized that she still was wearing the heart monitor from the personal training session that we both just took….after laughing so hard about the fact that she’d done that, we also laughed that she’d gone to McDonalds after working out together.

We spent many days laughing at life together and watching the world go by from her yard or the patio next to the Bocce courts at the end of the street.

Bernie and I both had the misfortune of being unemployed together at the same time, and we even ran into one another at the unemployment office once, as we were both laughing and hugging about it…we started meeting regularly to encourage one another in finding new jobs. We even would have dinner nights, where I would cook and we would just stay in, as to feel like we were still going out.

Over the past few years, we had only spoken on occasion, as if moved to NYCITY and she to a home.

It’s sad to lose a friend so young and especially, knowing that they were going through something so tough before passing. Had I not moved away, I would’ve been to visit and spend time with her.

Rest in peace my good friend…I know you’re in a better place, but I wish I’d had a chance to say, “goodbye”.

Love & Light

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Swiped Right

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It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.

I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.

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Someday…between the sun & moon

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Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.

I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”

He lives on a different continent, is one thing.

He challenges my beliefs that “someday” was a missed opportunity 20 years ago and now, we steal moments and exchanges between the sun and moon’s rotation. I miss him when he sleeps, but know that when I awake that I will awaken to some kind words from him, all of which I devour in minutes of bliss to wonder what life would be like with him beside me. Then, in an alternate or parallel universe, had we met sooner, lived near one another…would we have found each other sooner?

This man is amazing to me. I lf I created a list of the items that I would look for in my perfect person, he would have 90% of them. I can see myself in him, as he is an exact reflection of myself in ways.

He sends me poems, quotes, motivates me, we share our deepest secrets, desires, hardest moments, and I know his dreams, as they are similar to my own.

He gives me a sense of calmness just by knowing he’s there. He has made me a mixed tape of sorts in this age- via a Spotify playlist, and we have developed a dream life called, “Someday”, in ways, we have developed a language of our own, that only he and I would understand. We have gotten to a place we need not to say an entire sentence, but by a song reference and it becomes its own story. I can imagine him being there at the end of a tough day and catching me if I ever fall.

So, why is it that I’m so challenged in just letting this happen naturally, allowing my heart to open up? Why is it so hard being vulnerable? As with every step towards this man, I want to take two steps back in fear of losing what little faith that I have left in finding love. Yet, to find love, you must take a chance.

When do you just give in and let go of the past, jump in with everything and let things happen naturally?

Can we truly ignore these feelings and ignore them, or do we honor them and decide to take the scary steps and follow it where it takes us?

I’m at the crossroads here, as this feels like I’m on the edge of a very new adventure..and as scary as it feels, I don’t think that I can turn around now and need to take it one day at a time and enjoy what goodness it brings.

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New Life, New Land, New Love & New Beginnings… Happy New Year

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It’s been awhile… 2014 was a year of loss, pain, hard work, struggles, battles, there were a lot of tears and times that I was tested beyond my own beliefs.

I endured a difficult year, starting with a new job, struggling with difficult people, had my heart broken into several pieces, mourning the loss of a dog, a cat, family and friends, there was an injury, surgery, a new job, an old job, another new job offer, then another job offer to stay with the promise of many treasures should I build the castle as deemed.

My struggles were mine, they were both internal and external, yet I held myself to be true to who I was, kept my strength and proved that I was beyond being defeated by them. I traveled to Europe, across the states, made new friends, lost some friends, fell out of contact with some, and built a new plateau of which I needed to rise to.

In helping friends, I gained a cat and found a new love in something so innocent. #sparecat

I lost love, mended my heart, received redemption, a sweet goodbye, validation and walked away with pride. I met old loves from my past as new friends, and I went on many, many first dates and with each one getting worse and more comical, I never let it kill my belief or sense of wonder that there was someone out there.

I spent time with my family and friends and was lucky enough to hug them all.

In the end of the year, I look back and realized that I made several new friend’s last year, most of them have proven to be the best parts of 2014 and renewed my faith in people & new connections in this life.

With all of the lessons of 2014, I have no regrets. I’m ready for a new year… new beginning and I am on a new track…. Over time, I will catch up on the stories of 2014 and the new adventures to be had in 2015.

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Thank you for the follow and the support…

xx

Tis’ the season…

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T’was the weekend before Christmas and all through the studio apartment….the only creature stirring was my cat Luxe…. haha. Not really, he’s passed out on the bed…as I type away with a glass of wine in front of my Christmas tree.

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Sorry for my delayed posting, but with the holidays approaching quickly, my heavy interviewing schedule and trying to keep up with my friends, family, gift shopping and shipping…my world has been in overdrive…and as the end of the year 2013 nears… yes, there was a resurfacing in my life of a person that I thought that I once loved or possibly still do. Jury is still out on this one.

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I’ve debated on writing about him and due to my current feelings for him, and for reasons that I cannot understand, and mostly out of respect; determined that he needs to remain in the vault for now. Although, the tales are quite entertaining and would make most laugh; they need to be held tightly until I am capable of understanding them myself.

So, with this, I wish all of you a Happy Holiday Season… as I will be writing again soon enough, but taking a needed break over the holidays.

Thank you again for the follow’s and for all of your support. I look forward to sharing more of my life stories with you soon enough.

 

All the best-

Justagirlinnyc

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Bad Gifts, The Christmas Spirit and What happens at a Holiday Party…stays there…right?

White Elephant, Chinese Christmas, Gag gift, re-gifting parties are always a great time…

I always wanted to be a “good-gifter”, since I know what being the victim of a bad gift feels like.

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In regards to gifts, as I was growing up I used to get the worst Christmas gifts and these continued into my adulthood from my grandparents or aunt.  Whatever it was, I usually received the pink one and my sister, the blue one.

Some of my favorite worst gifts were in my teenage years….

There was a strange flannel nightgown with little flowers all over it, and resembled something from, the TV show, “Little house on the prairie.”

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Another was white ceramic cat that had pink rabbit fur glued to it, always makes me laugh remembering opening these gifts and I’m sure that my face said it all.

I finally started putting their gifts to the side and allowing my sister to open them first. One year, my sister opened a ring gift box first and it was a beautiful opal setting and showing it to us. I’m thinking… could they have possibly gotten this right? Then, I open my ring box to see a pearl ring. You’re thinking, wow…that is a nice gift, right? Yeah, well…my pearl was the size of an eyeball. It was something out of a costume bin or a gumball machine and it was hilarious, probably not to me at the time, but I did love showing it to people as they looked horrified.

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As I got older, the gifts became more awkward.

When I was in my 30’s, I will never forget that I received a package of what appeared to be underwear. I thought that was odd enough, but this was a leopard print netting mesh panty set with top. Umm….. Ok. What the hell is this?  Did they send me a nighty?

Odd thing about it, was that they didn’t have a crotch?! My grandmother sent me crotch less panties?? I gave these to goodwill with a laugh wondering who would buy them at Goodwill.

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Then, another year, I received a strange lamp that I recall re-gifting and taking to a White Elephant gift exchange party… If I recall, someone actually fought over the ugly lamp. It was a crazy leopard lampshade thing.

Another time, my two close guy friends in high school once bought me a sweater for Christmas. It was “hands down” the ugliest sweater that I have ever owned.  I recall that it was a blend of light brown, teal, purple, & black that I’d ever seen. However, since they were so proud of it, I had to act like I loved it and also wear it.

Then, I have had boyfriends give me some crazy things as well, some of which I wondered who they were shopping for when I opened them. Awful earrings, one gave me, I recall Christmas morning opening them and being so disappointed.  There were so many funny gifts, one guy I dated bought me a DVD once, and I was like, “What is this? Who buys me a $10 DVD?” and I think that I’d bought him the DVD player. Umm, typical of my dating life… When it comes to gifts from people you are dating, I have learned that it’s better to just tell them what to buy you.

In my family, we always have a tradition on Christmas Eve with our friends to have a “White Elephant” party. They are generally awfully funny gifts that we intentionally buy for laughter, shock value and are usually hilarious. I must explain that this is one of the best events all year long, as we plan and prepare for this sometimes months in advance. While others show up with something normal or without a gift at all, the original members of the family tradition and friends always show up prepared for fun. My mother always has an extra gift or two wrapped, just incase someone shows up unprepared.

The funniest part about these parties is when someone new comes and they bring a nice gift and don’t necessarily understand the concept of a “gag gift” and bring something good, that you would actually want, yet they receive one of the funnier gifts.

I’ve seen the likes of a gift bag containing Peanut Butter, Jelly and a loaf of bread, singing stuffed animals, sexy toys, literally jingle bells men’s jock straps, and one year there was the set of men’s thongs that were furry and looked like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer with bells and all, bottles of booze, children’s toys, some of my favorites were from the “As Seen On TV” aisle or the Infomercial gifts. I think that I still have the “Shake Weight” somewhere around here…it’s that arm weight dumb bell thing, that looks like you’re doing something sexual jerking your arms up and down to tone them.

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Others were Chia Pets, The Clapper, Flow bee, the thigh master, and such.  The funnier part of these gifts is that some are so funny that they’re recycled year after year…like the infamous “Hank Williams” that sung and after a few years, he was finally retired.

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I personally favored the booze gifts; however, as I was always traveling, I was unable to take the bottles on the plane, so it always seemed like we were trying to drink it down before I flew home.

So, as I prepared to go to another party like this a few years ago, I found the classic gift to bring…The neck massager. It was perfectly perverse, as you could imagine it was shaped like a “C” and a woman could actually sit on it for vibration. I think to myself, wow… this is perfect. Under $15 and will be a classic terrible gift. My friend that I was going with said that they understood the concept and wrapped a gift in a bag and away we go.

The party gets along with a lot of drinking, booze, there is some food…we’re all having a blast, they even have karaoke set up in the living room…after an hour or two, it’s time for the gift exchange. By now, we’re all too drunk to understand some of the rule’s, or they’re being made up as we go.

So, the game begins, people are picking, swapping gifts, there is a bottle of booze, a pocket vibrator with some lubricant in a stocking…it’s hilarious, someone opens a red velvet thong set for a man with white trim and yes, it’s fought over…next thing you know my friend grabs it and is running around with these over his jeans.

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Finally, someone picks my neck massager, it’s an immediate hit, it’s immediately being ridden like a bull, and the rest of the party was a blur as I think that neither of us ended up parting with any of them…but woke up with a terrible hangover and calling each other trying to recap the night.

Later that afternoon, I open my purse to find something and find the Santa inspired men’s thong and a pocket rocket vibrator..hahaha and I laugh to myself… I finally left with the good gift!! How in the hell did these get here? I can’t wait to re-gift these again…the thong, not the vibrator.

Then, I find a video on my phone of my friends singing, “Hit me with your best shot!” ….One wearing the Santa thong, another in a green velvet jingle bells thong, and the third figured out how to straddle the neck massager and connect it to them…as he is holding a male blow up doll.

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My friend later admits that he found the blow up doll in his entry of his apartment and had also pissed himself and vomited somewhere, as there were evidence on his clothes, along with a bag from Mc Donalds…we laughed so hard about him walking passed his doorman with that bag of food and a blow up man doll.

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He never told me what he did with it, and I erased that video, as I never wanted to view it again…it was THAT bad.

This was such a fun night.

Classic Christmas tale.

When did LinkedIn become an online dating site?!?!

Online dating typically leads to a great story or three, so when I ask the question, “When did LinkedIn become an online dating site?” I’m being sincere.

In my professional life, I tend to work on LinkedIn quite frequently as a networking tool; however, lately, I have been receiving email’s from men that send what seems to be legitimate invitations to “connect” and once we do, they email me seriously odd emails about my photo that I have posted. Which is odd because it’s not a sexually explicit photograph and it’s actually a selfie that I took of myself last year, if you want to be specific of its origin.

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Anyways….over the past year, I have received several email’s that I’ve shared among my friends and coworkers as humor. Men…you should know that if you send something this ridiculous, it will be shared…that is just human nature.

Recently, I’ve ended my current consulting engagement and have received no less than 3-4 emails in the past 3 weeks from random men asking me about my marital status, telling me that I’m attractive, or… I love this one, “you have the most beautiful eyes, face & lips.” Really?!

Well, as I was sitting there last night, drinking a cup of tea and following up on my email, I accepted a few invitations for connections on LinkedIn, not thinking anything odd about them, until later I read the following email from Scott:

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Date: December 2, 2013

Hello beautiful, staring at your lovely eyes for the past five minutes has been one of the most wonderful encounters i have had in quite a while, you make me think of the world like it is not gonna be a nice place to live in for the next 50 years without you in my life, your smile is like one of my best memories,i know this might sound hilarious but believe me its the truth i think you are the kind of woman i would want to wake up to see her beautiful face for the rest of my life, pardon me my name is scott

Ummm…. Well, let’s see Scott, first of all, “I sincerely thank you for the creepy email on Linked In and I do apologize that your next 50 years will be without me in your life. However, unfortunately,  I have met enough crazy people recently.”

Best wishes –

H

The photo of Scott was quite interesting as well, and it offered up some good banter between myself and some friends.

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No, I didn’t send this email; however, this morning, I got an email notification that my Match.com account (that I did not even know was still active) was automatically renewed. After an exhausting phone call, they wouldn’t refund my money (F-ck!). Therefore, I may be forced to try online dating again soon enough, if I don’t find love, well…maybe I’ll find a good story or three. With this being the case, maybe I am ready to try the whole online dating strategy once again in search of love…what is the worst thing that could happen?!?

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The irony is that since I wrote this story, I’ve received no less than 4 more..these are to become the sequels.

Free Drinks…What’s not to like?!?

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So, Friday comes around, and I invite a friend to join us at the party in Chelsea. The night seems simple enough, catch taxi, pick up friend, and get to Art Studio in Chelsea to a magazine party. Typical Friday night in New York City, right?

Whilst we were on our trek in the taxi, we get stuck in stand still traffic on 5th Avenue around Rockefeller Center and opt to get out and take a subway downtown. At some point, my phone rings while on the Subway and it’s my friends at the party telling me that “They’re leaving because there is a huge line and its bullshit!” Then, the call drops and I haven’t a clue where they are heading…so, we decide to go on to the party to meet them or wait to get above ground to call. As we’re walking in the freezing temperatures to the event, we get to the event and there is a massive line to get in.

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My friend sends me a text to come to the backstage and come to the seats (bypass the line).  At this point, I’m in no mood because I’m sober, starving and this place is a shit show full of a people standing in line for something.

After a long stretch of exhausting texts, my friend comes to the line to retrieve us to enter the party….we bypass the line, gate keeper, walk through a maze of hallways into a strange room, where there are half-naked men/some women changing (presume they are model’s). I spy one guy with his hands down his knickers playing with his balls and wondering, “What in the hell kind of party is this?”

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There are some people drinking, and then I realize that we are in the back stage area and it is separated by a sheet to the fashion stage (front).  We walk through the sheet and are seated to the right front row seats for the show that is about to start.

Imagine an extremely hot and overcrowded room and there are people all around standing; photographers to the left waiting for the fashion show to begin.  It’s hotter than hell in this tiny room…I’m pulling off my huge coat, and presume that I look like I’ve just worked out with the amount of sweat rolling down my back.

I am completely mesmerized by the people watching here tonight, there is a cross dresser in a strange dress, makeup melting with the high heat and the Adams apple and goatee are clear giveaways.

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Then, I’m caught staring across at a woman in a moo moo type dress with zebra’s stitched in the dress (What in the hell kind of outfit is this?) and she is wearing some strange shoe hybrid that is a blend of a high-top sneaker and wedge. Around this same time, I catch another woman giving me the stink eye or possibly, that is just the way she look’s normally, and she is wearing a huge necklace resembling medium sized bowling balls around her neck and I’m wondering how much it weighs…as it is awful.

I’m thinking to myself and by this time, and probably saying it out loud, “Why am I Sober? Where are the free drinks? ” At some point, I know that I was thinking that this is why flasks were invented. I was definitely complaining about the fact that I was too sober to be in the venue with this show and I was trying to hold back my laughter as there were serious fashion people taking photos and among us waiting to see this new line.

I’m sitting in a chair and the show begins with a brief show with clothed models…then, they announce that we are preparing for the second show to begin in 5 minutes. There were random men walking about in their underwear.

Then the lights are lowered and within minutes and low and behold, there is a cock in my face. I am staring at men modeling briefs as they walk by me…his junk is in my exact line of vision, approximately a few feet from my face, and I am asking myself, “How funny is this? Wait, is that a tattoo on this guy, or is he wearing a tiger tooth?”

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I’m trying to do anything that I can, not to laugh.

Yes, you are thinking Marky Mark (Mark Wahlberg) wearing boxer briefs in the Calvin Klein ad, aren’t you? Well, if that were the case, I would be smiling and content. However, imagine a dirty version of juveniles, covered with tattoos, and wearing sneakers and jungle themed jewelry. Hahaha… some of my friends would love that image, I imagine.

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Then, even in the hottest venue I realize, ”Hold On….I’m going to take photo’s as no one would believe this is how I spent my evening.”

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I know that you’re wondering… how did I end up here? Oh yeah…

 

The Email:

Hey guys,

Let’s go to this party on Friday! What’s not to like? Free drinks and all…All you need to do is send a confirmation message with your names.

See you Friday!

-X

(No mention of men in underwear)

Me:

Sounds Great!! I’ll touch base on Friday and see you there!

-H

In looking back at this invitation, there is no mention of underwear clad young men traipsing about showing off their manhood, but it was a great night with friends and every time I think about it, I laugh.

I finally got that drink after we finally left this place, but managed to be home and in bed by midnight with a great story; however, not before sending cock shots of my evening to my friends to share the love. 🙂

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Unrequited love…the cruelest version of love there is.

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Unrequited love

Web definitions

Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as “not reciprocated or returned in kind. …

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love

I’ve been the victim of this feeling and honestly can recall during these times in my life that they were some of the worst holidays that I’ve ever had, not to mention years.

Shakespeare said that, “Journeys end in lovers meeting”…. I have yet to experience this, but he also said, “Love is blind.” This, I have known all too well.

Love is something that we all are in search of throughout this journey in life; it’s something we are always wanting. We seek out love within our family’s, our friends, and our pet’s, in our work, through our experiences and such. Life is not such, but you see, I’ve willingly given myself in love to some men and it’s only to have been unrequited… In looking back, these were the worst Christmas’s, birthdays, and holidays and years at times, as I was always trying to see the value in the moments that were met with these lover’s that I had. You see, I was lying to myself about what the situation truly was and I imagined that what they had told me in our times together, were not only that of value, but of honestly and truth.  They did not love me back and in all honesty, looking back. I don’t know if I truly loved them either. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I spent many New Year’s Eve’s alone for years, only to bring in the New Year with a constant drink in hand and a cruel hangover in an empty bed.

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This is definitely a new holiday season and when I wonder what is missing, it’s not that I live thousands of miles from my family, but it’s that I’m not a victim of unrequited love at present, not even a love interest… I don’t have love in my heart right now for anyone,  but I’m completely open to finding love again, but only if it’s the passionate, fall in love, butterflies in my stomach, hand holding, kissing and walking around with a grin ear to ear kind of love. Wish me luck and follow me on my journey.

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Dating….What you allow will continue…

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The initial date started as him being late, come to think of it, he was always late in meeting me… I was always waiting for him, and this should have been a sign. I know that I mention signs on occasion, but seriously….listen to your intuition, it’s usually right. So, we meet at a pub for a few beer’s, he with his Guinness and myself with a Smithwick’s, and I’m fresh off of being lied, cheated and in hopes of finding love in the city of NYC.

I am waiting there for him, text him with the details on where I’m seated, and I’ve already ordered a drink and have some while waiting for his arrival. In the time of waiting, I’m people watching and whoosh… a man comes in to my left and introduces himself to me… he’s in a blue suit, looks a little older or more mature, but is handsome in his mannerisms and personality in a cute boyish way and is seated a distance from me, but the way that he looks at me is sweet. He’s very happy and says that I look amazing, fantastic and much better than I do in my photos. He’s caught off guard and immediately, he shows me his work pass, id badge and tells me his surname. (Does this man know that was on my initial list to find out? Or is this Kismet/coincidence, or what?). We enjoy a few drinks, then, he excuses himself to call his daughter and returns to ask to sit on the bench beside me. It’s a sweet gesture, he’s taller than me by a bit and seems more boyish as the evening goes on… the British accent is adorable, but he’s been departed from his homeland since college and no longer refers to that as his home, he explains.

We end up going to a another location, share some food, more drinks and he managed to place his hand on my leg… at which time, I ask, “Do you think that it’s appropriate to have your hand on my leg when it’s our first date and we’ve just met?” He in turn laugh’s and makes a joke and removes his hand, but does anything to touch me playfully the entire evening. Since it was a work night, I ended it after feeling too tipsy and before rushing into a taxi, we kiss… he’s minty and I ask if he’s brushed his teeth between the restroom and street… he laughs and kisses me again.

It was a good date, but I was still unsure. On my way to work in the morning on Metro North, I receive multiple texts, emails and a LinkedIn invitation…which gave me full access to everything about this man… where he went to school, worked, real name and etc. Umm, did he know that I would be looking for this eventually, after that last experience? Maybe he was psychic. I was still hesitant, but after telling my coworkers about him…they urged me to see him again, stating that he seemed like a genuine guy and a good catch. We ended up texting a few times over the weekend, at one point, he replied sharply and I didn’t take it well. I had determined to write him off, but then on Sunday…he texted me after Pilates wanting to know if I’d like to meet for a coffee or walk or both, as his flight is now later in the evening and would like to see me.

I agreed. We met on the corner of W 23rd/6th, grabbed coffee and walked the Highline and talked. We walked the entire length down to the Meatpacking area, and then back to Chelsea and little did I know back to his apartment… where we had a beer on his rooftop and talked overlooking the river and the city. This was when I can remember looking at him and thinking, “I want to spend time with this man… Uh oh!?”

Our date was amazing, we grabbed another bite to eat, beer, sat in a pub talking before walking back to his high-rise and placing me in a taxi, where he kissed me, then returned 3 times to kiss me before heading to his apartment to catch his car service to the airport. He texted me that he had a great time… I was giddy with excitement… Had I just met a real guy, capable of a relationship? Visions of dates and kissing dancing through my head…

We continued to text, he sent me emails as well… flirting and were pretty cute. He started telling me that he missed me…

Over the next few weeks, he traveled quite a bit, and I had a friend in town, he was back/forth traveling to see his daughter and we were never able to see one another. Without seeing each other, things get funny, especially at the beginning of something. I didn’t know if I was expected to remain committed to him, but did. I removed my online dating profile, but he didn’t. He told me to keep it active, as he was “confident” and it did not bother him. Then, Hurricane Sandy came and went, distance between email’s grew, and then…replies to email’s went silent…

Well, he finally came back around Thanksgiving, but told me that he was “thinking” and not sure about everything and he’s gotten alarmed about an email that I sent to him seeming insecure about where things stood. I got a text from him on Thanksgiving, invited him over, and he said I’d hear from him later…and never got a reply. It was over, I’d come to the conclusion.

He then, sent me a text/email and told me that things were not over, he had just required some time to think about everything and was heading to see his daughter for the weekend and would be in touch Sunday. Sunday about 5pm, I received a text telling me that, “Apparently, my online dating profile was still active, so GOOD LUCK, Dear!” WTH! WTF? It was active because he has told me to keep it active, I haven’t seen this man in almost 2 months, this is insane. Were we committed?

At this point, I should’ve been committed to therapy and stopped dating all men until I was in a better place. I concluded that dating was over. Removed my online dating profile, picked up, flew to Florida for a girls weekend of laughter, tears and so much drinking…of course, I told my friends about this bastard that I’d met and what had happened, and they did what all normal friends would do, tell me to move on, he’s missing out, not worth it and it’s ridiculous how he had just cut off communication… maybe he had someone else and the travel wasn’t real. Well, at the least, it was just a few kisses, hand holding, but why all of the email’s and text’s? Odd.

The ironic thing is that Saturday night, I received a text from him asking me, “What are you doing?”. I replied that I was in Florida and he told me to have a good weekend and safe trip. WTF?

We exchanged the occasional text, email and over Christmas, “Merry Christmas!” The new year brought in new hope and he’d emailed me a few times flirting, but no actions…by February, we had decided that we will try this again. We saw one another more frequently, flirted, emailed as he traveled and texted. By my birthday in March, he sat with me at a bar telling me, “I more than like you and I can see myself proposing to you sooner than later.”, He asked to meet my parents, asked me to go on a long weekend with him, and I was grinning ear to ear in Lalaland, then he told me that he was going on a trip and would return in a week or so and would be in touch.

HIS EMAIL:

When he finally returned and sends me an email saying, “Safe yes, but the Organization I work for is moving me to Geneva and then Mali for a year. They apparently packed and moved my apartment contents to Organization’s storage yesterday:( –

I hope that they didn’t find anything dodgy!!! Lol

I will be leaving NYC officially on April 12th (night flight). Until then I will be in a company apartment in Tudor city. When I have seen how ‘glamorous’ it is then I may invite you over!

How is your week?”

 ME: 

Ummm…. WTF!?!

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…at the time, I was too far in that I fell for it. I never heard from him again, but to receive an email that he was settling things and would be in touch when timing was better.

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A month later, I am still hurt, and decide that things just don’t add up…I was going through some personal health issues, so my clarity wasn’t the best and I decided to write down a list, go with my gut instincts that I had been ignoring for so long and low and behold, I found his profile posted on the same dating site that I had met him on, but with a new user name.

Of course,  being the pissed off one, I sat on it, stewed and sent him an email letting him know that I’d seen this, and confronted him of what a shit move this was. Coward. He said he was only home 5 days/month and didn’t know what he was doing… blah, blah… I was hurt, I was defensive and not very nice in my replies, but wished him well.

About a month later, I calmed down… and saw him again. Mistake. Now, this was just fucking dumb girl, hurting and missing someone. He came over, told me that he’d missed me, apologized, and we kept in touch, half in always, and then half out…. Saw him again… conversations were fine, but there were signs the entire time that he was lying to me the entire time. I truly believe this man was also married with a family elsewhere, or a wife, girlfriend elsewhere…eventually, after strong communications and my telling him to not come back into my life again unless he was sincere as I couldn’t do this anymore…. He came back again emailing me in September, then…. Disappeared for good this time, even removed me from his social media and with no explanation. My intuition tells me that someone found out about me somehow, he was committed to someone else and only having fun with me, or trying to steal time with me…. I will never know. This man lied to me so many times and had I not been in a tough place health wise, stress wise and had the clarity to see him for what he was, I wouldn’t have allowed him to keep playing hokey pokey with my heart. Remember… “What you allow….is What will continue.”

He’s walked away from my life and was not a blessing, but a huge lesson. I told him once before….

It’s like the saying… “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” The truth is, he didn’t give a damn about me and I never should have put so much belief in everything that he said.

Whatever Karma that he taught me for something that I did, it’s been dealt with. I just wish that he never would have come back into my life again to only have shredded every sense of faith that I had in finding someone.

You know, people don’t always remember the words that people say, but they will always remember the way that you made them feel and he made me feel lower than low more times than not.

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That what does not kill us makes us stronger…You’re a lesson or a blessing, blah, blah, blah… bullshit. You get my point. On the bright side, he didn’t stifle my growth… I did learn a lot from him and will never allow anyone to come into my life again and just start spewing madness like this. Unless their actions match their words, I will not concede to them. I love that I was able to trust again, I did adore him, when we were together, we got along so well, the way he looked at me was so sweet and his smile matched, but in the end, his actions never matched his words. I don’t blame him for everything, but I think that moving forward when looking for love, you need to go all in, but bring your brain with you and be careful who you trust and who you give your heart to. People should earn this right to be so valuable in your life…it shouldn’t just be given freely. I wish him the best in life, but have said my peace with it. He broke not only my heart, but my spirit. I did love him though and still do.

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