Moving out of the darkness into the light

Depression cripples you… it’s like this dark secret you hide deep within, but it’s always there in the shadows lurking and pulling you back with a few whispers… “You’re worthless… you’ll never amount to anything… come back inside this shell with me… no one cares for you out there…you’re all alone!”

It always appears like a fog creeping in overnight and there is a crow making noise reminding you that you belong with them in the darkness… far from the light. The emptiness inside your soul, bones, mind and heart creates pools of tears at the drop of a hat to slide down your face…without notice, you’re pulled back into the abyss of familiarity that you once climbed far away from.

Yes…. I have a history of depression or just being sad…anxiety. Maybe it’s because we moved around so much in my childhood and I was always forced to reinvent myself, new friends, new life, and all during my high school years.

I remember my earliest memories in my early teens and my wanting to get lost in a sea of sleep. I just couldn’t get myself out of the feeling of melancholy and sadness that would overcome me like shackles…I carried the weight with me for years. Who knew then, that this would be a lifelong battle with periods of desperation and times that were so low, it’s miraculous that you made it out alive.

Well, my old nemesis that is Depression has shown its ugly head again over the past few years.

When things were not going well in my life, financial issues, when my apartment caught fire, or the ceiling caved in and I had to move quickly, or the time that I lost my love, or I was in so much pain that I ended up needing surgery on my spine…the other time I lost my love, plus the struggle of recovery to the time that I lost my job with no severance and lost my insurance 60 days post surgery. I’ve lost so much over the past few years…my house, jobs, pets, loves and have literally had to abandon things and walk away just enough to survive the flames called my life without getting burned up myself.

My challenges with depression have been a lifelong struggle. They go in waves, but lately and especially this year, it’s been severe with every hurdle, every path that I take is a journey on survival.

This was also why I went dark over the past few years and stopped writing… hiding the words and avoiding the voice inside me begging to come out.

There was a time that I wished that I would be able to fall asleep and wake up with all of this washed away. Then there are other times that would hold onto this like a long lost friend.

Lately, everything is better when it’s time to go to bed…I hate waking up and struggling with my plans for the day, reading my emails, applying for jobs, scheduling interviews, then seeing my bank account and knowing my best bet is to stay in bed.

My wish is to regain myself in 2018, get back to my core being, better health, heal my body, listen more, help more, be kinder, better, go to yoga more, date more, explore more, Love more and travel more. Let go of the things that are not serving me well and be more of a minimalist in some ways. Life isn’t about things…it about the moments.

Every day is a struggle, people are fighting silent battles all around you and in the end, try to be kind and be grateful for the people in your life that are there to help.

When you’re at you are feeling close to rock bottom, you’ll find out who your true support system is. These are The keepers… friends and family. Without them right now, I would be lost. I’m at my most vulnerable and am grateful every day that they haven’t given up on me yet.

I am so thankful that I have my family and friends in my life. With the holiday season upon us, they’re bringing in the light to my life right now.

Xx

What happened to having a drink first?

What the fuck goes through men’s heads when they reach out on LinkedIn with a perverted comment about your photo and or try to ask you out? I know that I’ve asked this before, but seriously? And…. with time, it’s only gotten worse. I get messages on Instagram from random people and I’m no innocent, as I’m online dating on Tinder, Bumble etc., but I expect to receive messages there. Not sure that I expect some of the ones that I receive though about oral sex, 3 ways, and if I want to join in their poly lifestyle.

The Internet has created a marketplace for passive aggressive men that would not typically approach a woman like this in person. I don’t know if it’s that’s they’re more brazen and bold hiding behind the internet, but whatever the case, it’s getting worse. I get on average 2-3 messages on LinkedIn and then, Instagram has become a new playing field and then there are the randoms that will use your Airdrop from Apple to send random dick pics to your phone on the subway or in public just because they can. Lol. I keep that locked down after hearing about this new tactic.

Remember when someone would write a bad check and the check would be hung up for everyone to see In the market and they were shamed? This was a response to hoping that the person would not only be deterred from his behavior, but also not do it again, right? I’m thinking perhaps this behavior being called out may help some realize how ridiculous it is.

I have an Instagram account and receive no less that several unsolicited messages from men starting by saying, “Hello” … or telling me that they saw me on either Tinder or Bumble and since I did not match with them, they wanted to reach out to me anyway and see if I could meet them!? Umm… First, I swiped left, which means that I’m not interested, but “Thank You” for your persistence, but please leave it there… instead, they push it to asking me for photos, about sex, commenting about my body, and my favorite is receiving dick pics this way… Umm… Look men, no one wants to see your dick pictures. No one… and if you send these to us… unsolicited, we have the right to share them with our friends. Ha-ha…and I do.

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With all the harassment and misbehavior taking place and men being outed, I think that we have tended to shuffle this behavior under the mat for decades, as it was typically not managed well. I believe that we are at a Tipping point right now where women are coming forward to exploit these men of their actions because we are just exhausted of being treated like sex objects, getting paid less for the same work, being ridiculed and we are supposed to be your equal, yet why are people only now listening? I don’t know, but I’m grateful that they are.

Personally, I’ve been sexually harassed my entire life… I can still tell you stories of being held down and felt up by boys on my swim team that I once thought were friends… they each took turns and then, acted like nothing happened. I think this was the way I lost my innocence with men and reacted by calling them out and probably used some fine words… it continued throughout my life. Sometimes in ways that were worse than others… I’ve been solicited by men in the workplace dozens of times in my life, most were executives.  Believe me, I can say, “Fuck Off” faster than most.

I was asking my guy friend the better place for online dating where men are actually looking to date vs. fuck and he just laughed at me… I was wondering his opinion on Tinder, Bumble, OKC, POF, Match and etc. He goes… “Umm… I get more ass from Bumble”… I was shocked.. I thought Bumble was the upgrade to Tinder? What did I know? I met K on Tinder and we still talk and see one another…who knows. Everyone that reaches out to me ends up being a perv eventually.

With this, I would like to share some of my wall of shame….There are several more where these came from…and I may just keep sharing them, as I have that many.

What happened to asking a girl out to drink and trying to feign interest? Then after a few drinks, acting like a pervert trying to hook up? Now, they go straight for the jugular and ask if you’re “DTF”- Which Apparently means, “Down to Fuck”… or into a 3 way.. or just tell you how they want to lick and eat your ass…Thanks for the romance boys, does option b come with flowers?

When people wonder why I keep going back to “The Boy”… well, these are just a few examples.

Enjoy!

He gave me butterflies & made my heart race

He gave me butterflies from the first time that I set my eyes on him… I think that I always knew he was going to be trouble, how you know in your gut that I was going to love every second spent with him.

After some back and forth, a few phone calls and some photos traded, we decided to meet for a drink. It was only fitting, since he was my neighbor living only 2 blocks away.  We decided to meet after his event/my dinner plans later that night. I’m typically not one for these meetings, I like to have dates and well, I was nervous that he was just a fuckboy seeking all of the wrong things, but perhaps this wouldn’t be a bad thing for a night… or three.

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He not only looked like his photos, but was better in person. This tall, dark and handsome man had a smirk and the way that he looked at me was completely disarming. After a drink or two, we went back to my place…the whole night, I was hot and cold on how I felt about him. He pushed my limits, was very respectful, but there was something about this guy…and we talked for what seemed like hours. I didn’t think that I’d ever see him again… He felt like a Fuckboy and I wanted to kiss every inch of him. I had not felt like this in a very long time…

Here I am in my 40’s, curvy, and this 33-year-old successful, smart and hot younger guy was with me? What is he thinking? Yeah… my only conclusion…, Fuckboy.

I remember kissing him goodbye that first night and sending him on his way with a smile. I never thought that I would see him again.

The next night I met up with a girlfriend for happy hour, dinner and some much-needed girl time. We were exchanging dating stories about the men we’d been seeing, and I had downloaded all of the details about him, our night and well, the glow and smile on my face was already giving me away. Hell, I was glowing after that night.

As we began to play with Snapchat filters and then, my phone starts blowing up…. It’s him. I remember feeling butterflies, and being so nervous…my heart was racing just replying to this man. He was asking if we could get together… he was on his way back up east… Next thing you know, I am in a taxi home… he arrives with 2 Bottles of wine and a bottle of Veuve. A man after my own heart… I love my wine.

After another amazing night, we ended up spending the next week together non-stop, when he went to Boston with friends… he even called and talked with me all night long and as soon as he was back home, he was at my side. I was beginning my new job soon, so my nights were filled with him and days on getting the much-needed rest, as well as preparing to start my new role.

Even when either was out late, he would come slip into bed with me in the cold weather and cuddle until dawn and we would part… after a while, we had a routine, and after a few weeks, I had to implement some rules and a curfew. Although I loved having him over, a girl at my age needs some sleep.

This went on for over a month…. and then, he went dark. Nothing…No replies….he disappeared. My heart was crushed… had I caught feelings for this man? We did meet on Tinder, so what was I thinking would happen?

After a week, he reappeared with an apology and told me, “I’m sorry…. I sometimes do this to friends and they know, but I regret doing that to you.”

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That made my heart melt…He returned…we continued as we were…. Seeing each other 2 to 3 nights a week for the next few months. Things finally came to the point where we both were together so much, but still able to date other people… so, I finally asked if he was seeing anyone else or what we were doing… He goes… “I’m not seeing anyone, but you right now. I think that we should see other people either together or apart still though and just be honest about it. “

This was when I started realizing that this needed to lighten up, pull back on the number of nights that we were together, and I needed to try dating multiple people…After all, he is 33 years old, still lives with roommates, a strict bachelor lifestyle and I’ve flat out refused to come to his place. I justified this to myself, as I needed to let him be himself… a 33year old single man, and if he wanted to be with me… it would have to be his choice.

At this point, I started dating other people and accidentally texted him thinking it was a friend that I had a date and he replied faster than I could blink with, “You go girl!” … I was mortified.

As things go… he pulled away, I pulled away and yet, we still saw one another one to two nights a week on average. We had some of the most amazing times together and this went on the have some hilarious types of scenarios together, but we stopped talking as much as we once had… I eventually started dating other people, and there was one guy that I will explain, but we were better as close friends and so, I kept seeing The Boy and told him everything about my dating the Banker… and one night, when we were laying together talking… he told me that, “I could date anyone that I wanted, but he was never going to leave me. He would always be around in my life.”

Over the next year, we ended up having periods of time where things were more serious and others where we managed to see one another if not weekly, every other week a few times. I woke up on Christmas morning with him, we boarded ourselves into my apartment during a blizzard together, and other times…it was just a drink. I won’t lie that he held my heart at times, but it was very casual between us. There were times between that we would get very intense for a few weeks, then take a break for a week or two… always in cycles. We were the same, yet different. He lived with 2 roommates and still lived the bachelors life with them. I refused to come to his apartment unless he was sick and needed me, which he would always tell me after the fact.

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I always had to remember he was also in the lifestyle of going out all the time… I had myself become more of a homebody in the past few years, preferring a bottle of wine and the sofa to a lounge that was loud and crowded. This is where the age difference would come into play.

On or around the year anniversary, we shared some Veuve and had an amazing evening…then, things went back to normal…. when we were together, we spoke our own language and no one else would understand it. At times, he would be hot and cold, but there were more discussions around plans, etc.

By late May, things went on as usual… even with some late-night talks about our feelings for one another…giving into the admissions that neither was good with feelings.

After Memorial Day, when I got uncomfortable with pain, he disappeared. He went dark without any communication, no words, just silence. Nothing hurts more than this.

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I imagined somewhere inside of him there was the man that I had spent all that time with… so, as I had news on my illness, I would text him to let him know… never received a reply until the day before my surgery… He wished me, “Good Luck and apologized for going dark and was sorry that I was going through this.”

I was heartbroken that he’d done this to me.

About 60 days post-surgery, I nearly had a heart attack when he texted me to see how I was doing. My heart was racing, my body was a mess and I replied… He asked to stop by. It was probably the most awkward time that we have ever had together… He was only here for about 20 minutes and we just talked small talk… he was assessing me and by this time, I’d already taken a muscle relaxer and was ready to go to bed. Alone.  When he left…he kissed me and said, “I’ll see you again soon.”

I never thought that I would see him again and I was at peace finally with it, but the heart wants what it wants, and I’ve decided that I don’t really think that we have much choice in the matter. There are people in your life that you connect with, really connect with and he and I were that. He was to me more than I had ever thought he would be…there was a level of need at times, he fulfilled parts of me that I never imagined, yet broke me in every way at the same time.

He waited almost a month before contacting me and as fate would have it, I had a tough day and had been drinking … he was out with colleagues in midtown and asked to stop by, and explained that he had a curfew and would not be able to stay but about 15 minutes. Haha…

As soon as the door opened, he saw me and pulled me close to him and kissed me… he didn’t leave until he had to go home to get ready for work that next morning. We stayed up talking about everything… he kept trying to explain why he went dark, apologized and instead of fighting… I just let him get it out and was grateful to have him back in my life. Late at night when we are laying together talking…he reminds me that I am his…he tells me that he owns me,…body, soul, heart and mind. and I don’t disagree. I just smile and tell him that he is mine too.

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He’s back in my life, but we’ve made some changes… I have promised to come to him more and finally met his roommates, and we have been around a few other people, which is weird. Everyone that sees us together says that we really “have something or a strong connection” because we are in our own world when together… I’m not sure where it is going, but I’m not forcing anything…and I am finally learning to just let things happen. While laying in bed, I did grab his balls in my hand, while looking into his eyes and told him if he ever ghosts me again, I’ll come find him. He’s promised he won’t, so here’s to hoping.

Somehow this man has slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.

I’m still trying to meet other people, as I need more than he can offer, but for now, he’s mine and I am his.

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The fountain of youth…

Where to begin…. I’m still single, so the long-distance thing never worked out…as it never really does, does it? Now, after sharing so much of yourself with someone and dreams, hopes, and experiences… then, it just disappears…evaporates and you’re strangers again. I ended up giving up dating for a while…I believe that I went almost 2 years without intimacy or any kind of romance in my life, other than some random dates that were less satisfying than a hot bath and glass of wine.

 

I have tried to build out a career, where I thought that I had one, but in the end…that didn’t work out as planned either, yet then I will become one of those people quoting cliché’s… “Everything happens for a reason”, “Another fish in the Sea or Plenty of fish in the sea”, “Just when you stop looking…love finds you”… it’s like finding a fucking apartment in New York City.. That shit doesn’t happen easily, and it doesn’t happen without investment… like 3 months’ rent or approximately $15-20K USD. Lol. Don’t get too excited…that doesn’t include the broker fee or moving costs.

I literally had so many bad dates that I will highlight in time, I met an old colleague out for drinks and she enlightened me on her success with online dating and Tinder. So, I begin….

After several glasses of wine and tapas… the conversation moved to the new adventures of dating… We had both had bad experiences with men our own age and older, but after our storytelling… I explained… how I was literally made to feel guilty for being from one man our age because he had erectile dysfunction… he turned it around to acting like I was some sex hungry slut and if you know anything about me, well… I don’t put up with this shit…I hit back and below the belt and managed to pull out a PowerPoint quickly in my head on his inadequacies, yet explained that I dated him anyway…by this point, I knew there was no coming back. He had treated me with such ugliness to have me come back that I was beyond consoling… Then, I’d met another man my age that decided to lie about his being married, another who completely was lying about living locally and managed to tell me later it took him 4 hours to get home to Boston, as he thought that I was going to let him stay over??!?! WTF.

After these stories, she recommended that I get over the whole issue that I had with dating younger men and open my search criteria to 10 years younger and 10 years older. Me, dating younger men? Jesus, did these men really want to meet an older woman?

So, after a bottle or three of wine, I changed my Tinder settings and on the Uber ride home…. I had a series of matches with very attractive, educated men… all 10 years younger… all flirting with me….

 

Could this be the solution to my dating dilemmas? Forget the crotchety older men with families, issues and that were resentful for the uninhibited younger men that are still enjoying their lives?  J

Let the fun begin… My journey to dating younger men…..does this mean that I’m a Cougar? Meow… :

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Another year down…

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Why is it as we age, we start reminiscing more? 

It was my birthday week and another year slipped by with happy hour, cocktails, meeting & celebrating  with friends a hangover or two and I’ve realized that I have some amazing people in my life from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. I am blessed with a full life of friends and family. At times challenges, but all is with good intentions. 

I’ve made some committments to myself this year that I’ve not kept well on and decided as I was walking through Central Park today, and noticing the ponds beginning to thaw that it’s time that I start making good on these and quit making excuses. 

  

My treat to myself was to attend a past life regression workshop with Mira Kelly and she shared some wise words with us about, “following everything that excites you, not to let fear get in the way and be open to new experiences.” 

I know, I could read this in a book, yet it rings true as I want to make changes in my life for the good, yet get stuck and end up sitting on the sofa making excuses. 

At work, im a part of a strong womens network and we were working on our video’s for #passthetorch4women and I wrote and recorded to be more of an inspiration and influencer for women to be their authentic selves, but in hindsight I need to remember to do this, it has to start with me. 

I need to be comitted to nuturing my own soul before I can be committed to inspiring change in others. 

I’m committing to myself to make more positive changes, to challenge myself and inspire myself to be better. 

Committing to be better with nuturing myself, healing my body and getting myself back in shape physically and mentally inside and out. 

I’m on a new path…of taking care of myself first and loving who I am and who I’ve become, so that I can allow love in my world and make a difference through my changes. I am going to trust myself more and listen to my body, mind and not give as much to others of myself, but support from the side as a partner. 

This may be a great new beginning. 

Timing is Everything…





You know the story, as it’s been written about in a lifetime of stories for centuries and it always starts with….Boy meets girl.

Boy makes girl smile, he makes her laugh and tells her she is pretty, smart, engaging and then, there is the chemistry. I haven’t even gotten to the similarities yet…finishing each other’s thoughts and sentences. Ahh…the beginning of a new relationship is blooming.  

I’ve met a man who makes my heart spin cartwheels, he makes me smile so often that my face hurts, and his voice calms me when I hear it. At times, it’s as if we are the very mirror image of one another in many ways. 

How is life so cruel? You meet the perfect person for you, seems to be the one, you know the one person that compliments you, the one that you didn’t even know that you were looking for and yet, you don’t have timing on your side. There are clues that something is amiss, but you call it an off moment. Then, you settle into the slow responses, or no responses,  then the long silences, and eventually, you say your “goodbyes” and all that you remember is the word “friends” being mentioned.  Then, you pick yourself up, put on your mask and step back into the world alone. Again. 

Isn’t life funny? This is simply the universe whispering to me that, “Timing is Everything.”

I reply, “Timing is a Bitch!l”






What am I doing?



Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? There are twists, turns, emotions, sadness, excitement and heightened feelings and emotions, as you try to fit everything into a small amount of time. 

You’re partner is like a dealer of love or attention, and when they pull away or don’t lend that same attention or feeling to you…you want it more. It’s a sick game that your mind plays on you, as you slip from being that once confident person to becoming the one lying on the bathroom floor or laying in an empty be night after night going over every detail to try to figure out just when you stopped being the one and turned into that pathetic, needy version of yourself. 

I’m not that person, but I can tell you from experience, I’ve been that person more than once. In all of life, I’ve never had one  homerun in life in love, where I’ve felt the comfort in knowing someone will still be waiting for me when I get home… unless you’re talking about my four legged friends. Let’s be honest, they stay because I feed them. 

In the back of my head, I always think that it is just a matter of time until this happens…the second guessing, a rough day and the day ends with one or both of you not making each other a priority. 

Things slip, you stop talking a day here, stop sharing ideas, and you both add some space to focus on work, life and etc…until it eventually fades into just friends. I don’t handle this well when I can’t see someone, and I’ve never been good at long distance relationships or relationships where one travels too much between seeing one another. 

Part of me knows this, then the other part is holding onto hope or a glimpse of this working out. It’s a cruel joke that life plays on you, especially when there are so many odds against you from the beginning. 

My core tells me that it’s about managing, “the little things” and through these affirmations daily, you can try to beat the odds, but in life there are no guarantees and all is fair in Love and war, they say. 

I want to runaway

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I’m finding my self getting that incredible stir inside of me, you know….the one that makes me spin, the one that makes me laugh…just the the one that makes me magically want to leave it all behind and escape into a foreign land, a foreign place where there is nothing, but ruins, art, new sites, adventures, new friends, and a new beginning and maybe an end to something I’m leaving behind. 

 Either way, I’m getting the urge again to travel alone on a new adventure and take a leap into the unknown soon.

Is this just being bored, not being challenged, or am I ready for a change? I don’t know yet…my mind wanders to a time where I left everything and traveled several countries alone. It was scary, it was tough at times, but the life that came from the travels were amazing and I learned a lot about myself. 

I lost my home, left my love, lost my job, lost my dog, lost a cat, lost part of myself in the transition, yet on my travels I met myself again. A new, stronger self and have never looked back at a time in my life as a better opportunity.

 I would love to say that I’ve actually found a new love in my life, yet love evades me…as it usually does. It comes during a night and sneaks out by Dawn again with only a few lingering promises of love, a future, a dream of a lifetime that I yearn for and a wish on forever. 

 I’ve heard this story a hundred times or more in my forty plus years and it always ends the same, with me in tears, left waiting and never with the outcome one had hoped. 

Life is tough for a dreamer, yet dreams only come true for those who make wishes.

xx

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