Moving out of the darkness into the light

Depression cripples you… it’s like this dark secret you hide deep within, but it’s always there in the shadows lurking and pulling you back with a few whispers… “You’re worthless… you’ll never amount to anything… come back inside this shell with me… no one cares for you out there…you’re all alone!”

It always appears like a fog creeping in overnight and there is a crow making noise reminding you that you belong with them in the darkness… far from the light. The emptiness inside your soul, bones, mind and heart creates pools of tears at the drop of a hat to slide down your face…without notice, you’re pulled back into the abyss of familiarity that you once climbed far away from.

Yes…. I have a history of depression or just being sad…anxiety. Maybe it’s because we moved around so much in my childhood and I was always forced to reinvent myself, new friends, new life, and all during my high school years.

I remember my earliest memories in my early teens and my wanting to get lost in a sea of sleep. I just couldn’t get myself out of the feeling of melancholy and sadness that would overcome me like shackles…I carried the weight with me for years. Who knew then, that this would be a lifelong battle with periods of desperation and times that were so low, it’s miraculous that you made it out alive.

Well, my old nemesis that is Depression has shown its ugly head again over the past few years.

When things were not going well in my life, financial issues, when my apartment caught fire, or the ceiling caved in and I had to move quickly, or the time that I lost my love, or I was in so much pain that I ended up needing surgery on my spine…the other time I lost my love, plus the struggle of recovery to the time that I lost my job with no severance and lost my insurance 60 days post surgery. I’ve lost so much over the past few years…my house, jobs, pets, loves and have literally had to abandon things and walk away just enough to survive the flames called my life without getting burned up myself.

My challenges with depression have been a lifelong struggle. They go in waves, but lately and especially this year, it’s been severe with every hurdle, every path that I take is a journey on survival.

This was also why I went dark over the past few years and stopped writing… hiding the words and avoiding the voice inside me begging to come out.

There was a time that I wished that I would be able to fall asleep and wake up with all of this washed away. Then there are other times that would hold onto this like a long lost friend.

Lately, everything is better when it’s time to go to bed…I hate waking up and struggling with my plans for the day, reading my emails, applying for jobs, scheduling interviews, then seeing my bank account and knowing my best bet is to stay in bed.

My wish is to regain myself in 2018, get back to my core being, better health, heal my body, listen more, help more, be kinder, better, go to yoga more, date more, explore more, Love more and travel more. Let go of the things that are not serving me well and be more of a minimalist in some ways. Life isn’t about things…it about the moments.

Every day is a struggle, people are fighting silent battles all around you and in the end, try to be kind and be grateful for the people in your life that are there to help.

When you’re at you are feeling close to rock bottom, you’ll find out who your true support system is. These are The keepers… friends and family. Without them right now, I would be lost. I’m at my most vulnerable and am grateful every day that they haven’t given up on me yet.

I am so thankful that I have my family and friends in my life. With the holiday season upon us, they’re bringing in the light to my life right now.

Xx

He gave me butterflies & made my heart race

He gave me butterflies from the first time that I set my eyes on him… I think that I always knew he was going to be trouble, how you know in your gut that I was going to love every second spent with him.

After some back and forth, a few phone calls and some photos traded, we decided to meet for a drink. It was only fitting, since he was my neighbor living only 2 blocks away.  We decided to meet after his event/my dinner plans later that night. I’m typically not one for these meetings, I like to have dates and well, I was nervous that he was just a fuckboy seeking all of the wrong things, but perhaps this wouldn’t be a bad thing for a night… or three.

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He not only looked like his photos, but was better in person. This tall, dark and handsome man had a smirk and the way that he looked at me was completely disarming. After a drink or two, we went back to my place…the whole night, I was hot and cold on how I felt about him. He pushed my limits, was very respectful, but there was something about this guy…and we talked for what seemed like hours. I didn’t think that I’d ever see him again… He felt like a Fuckboy and I wanted to kiss every inch of him. I had not felt like this in a very long time…

Here I am in my 40’s, curvy, and this 33-year-old successful, smart and hot younger guy was with me? What is he thinking? Yeah… my only conclusion…, Fuckboy.

I remember kissing him goodbye that first night and sending him on his way with a smile. I never thought that I would see him again.

The next night I met up with a girlfriend for happy hour, dinner and some much-needed girl time. We were exchanging dating stories about the men we’d been seeing, and I had downloaded all of the details about him, our night and well, the glow and smile on my face was already giving me away. Hell, I was glowing after that night.

As we began to play with Snapchat filters and then, my phone starts blowing up…. It’s him. I remember feeling butterflies, and being so nervous…my heart was racing just replying to this man. He was asking if we could get together… he was on his way back up east… Next thing you know, I am in a taxi home… he arrives with 2 Bottles of wine and a bottle of Veuve. A man after my own heart… I love my wine.

After another amazing night, we ended up spending the next week together non-stop, when he went to Boston with friends… he even called and talked with me all night long and as soon as he was back home, he was at my side. I was beginning my new job soon, so my nights were filled with him and days on getting the much-needed rest, as well as preparing to start my new role.

Even when either was out late, he would come slip into bed with me in the cold weather and cuddle until dawn and we would part… after a while, we had a routine, and after a few weeks, I had to implement some rules and a curfew. Although I loved having him over, a girl at my age needs some sleep.

This went on for over a month…. and then, he went dark. Nothing…No replies….he disappeared. My heart was crushed… had I caught feelings for this man? We did meet on Tinder, so what was I thinking would happen?

After a week, he reappeared with an apology and told me, “I’m sorry…. I sometimes do this to friends and they know, but I regret doing that to you.”

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That made my heart melt…He returned…we continued as we were…. Seeing each other 2 to 3 nights a week for the next few months. Things finally came to the point where we both were together so much, but still able to date other people… so, I finally asked if he was seeing anyone else or what we were doing… He goes… “I’m not seeing anyone, but you right now. I think that we should see other people either together or apart still though and just be honest about it. “

This was when I started realizing that this needed to lighten up, pull back on the number of nights that we were together, and I needed to try dating multiple people…After all, he is 33 years old, still lives with roommates, a strict bachelor lifestyle and I’ve flat out refused to come to his place. I justified this to myself, as I needed to let him be himself… a 33year old single man, and if he wanted to be with me… it would have to be his choice.

At this point, I started dating other people and accidentally texted him thinking it was a friend that I had a date and he replied faster than I could blink with, “You go girl!” … I was mortified.

As things go… he pulled away, I pulled away and yet, we still saw one another one to two nights a week on average. We had some of the most amazing times together and this went on the have some hilarious types of scenarios together, but we stopped talking as much as we once had… I eventually started dating other people, and there was one guy that I will explain, but we were better as close friends and so, I kept seeing The Boy and told him everything about my dating the Banker… and one night, when we were laying together talking… he told me that, “I could date anyone that I wanted, but he was never going to leave me. He would always be around in my life.”

Over the next year, we ended up having periods of time where things were more serious and others where we managed to see one another if not weekly, every other week a few times. I woke up on Christmas morning with him, we boarded ourselves into my apartment during a blizzard together, and other times…it was just a drink. I won’t lie that he held my heart at times, but it was very casual between us. There were times between that we would get very intense for a few weeks, then take a break for a week or two… always in cycles. We were the same, yet different. He lived with 2 roommates and still lived the bachelors life with them. I refused to come to his apartment unless he was sick and needed me, which he would always tell me after the fact.

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I always had to remember he was also in the lifestyle of going out all the time… I had myself become more of a homebody in the past few years, preferring a bottle of wine and the sofa to a lounge that was loud and crowded. This is where the age difference would come into play.

On or around the year anniversary, we shared some Veuve and had an amazing evening…then, things went back to normal…. when we were together, we spoke our own language and no one else would understand it. At times, he would be hot and cold, but there were more discussions around plans, etc.

By late May, things went on as usual… even with some late-night talks about our feelings for one another…giving into the admissions that neither was good with feelings.

After Memorial Day, when I got uncomfortable with pain, he disappeared. He went dark without any communication, no words, just silence. Nothing hurts more than this.

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I imagined somewhere inside of him there was the man that I had spent all that time with… so, as I had news on my illness, I would text him to let him know… never received a reply until the day before my surgery… He wished me, “Good Luck and apologized for going dark and was sorry that I was going through this.”

I was heartbroken that he’d done this to me.

About 60 days post-surgery, I nearly had a heart attack when he texted me to see how I was doing. My heart was racing, my body was a mess and I replied… He asked to stop by. It was probably the most awkward time that we have ever had together… He was only here for about 20 minutes and we just talked small talk… he was assessing me and by this time, I’d already taken a muscle relaxer and was ready to go to bed. Alone.  When he left…he kissed me and said, “I’ll see you again soon.”

I never thought that I would see him again and I was at peace finally with it, but the heart wants what it wants, and I’ve decided that I don’t really think that we have much choice in the matter. There are people in your life that you connect with, really connect with and he and I were that. He was to me more than I had ever thought he would be…there was a level of need at times, he fulfilled parts of me that I never imagined, yet broke me in every way at the same time.

He waited almost a month before contacting me and as fate would have it, I had a tough day and had been drinking … he was out with colleagues in midtown and asked to stop by, and explained that he had a curfew and would not be able to stay but about 15 minutes. Haha…

As soon as the door opened, he saw me and pulled me close to him and kissed me… he didn’t leave until he had to go home to get ready for work that next morning. We stayed up talking about everything… he kept trying to explain why he went dark, apologized and instead of fighting… I just let him get it out and was grateful to have him back in my life. Late at night when we are laying together talking…he reminds me that I am his…he tells me that he owns me,…body, soul, heart and mind. and I don’t disagree. I just smile and tell him that he is mine too.

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He’s back in my life, but we’ve made some changes… I have promised to come to him more and finally met his roommates, and we have been around a few other people, which is weird. Everyone that sees us together says that we really “have something or a strong connection” because we are in our own world when together… I’m not sure where it is going, but I’m not forcing anything…and I am finally learning to just let things happen. While laying in bed, I did grab his balls in my hand, while looking into his eyes and told him if he ever ghosts me again, I’ll come find him. He’s promised he won’t, so here’s to hoping.

Somehow this man has slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart.

I’m still trying to meet other people, as I need more than he can offer, but for now, he’s mine and I am his.

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Timing is Everything…





You know the story, as it’s been written about in a lifetime of stories for centuries and it always starts with….Boy meets girl.

Boy makes girl smile, he makes her laugh and tells her she is pretty, smart, engaging and then, there is the chemistry. I haven’t even gotten to the similarities yet…finishing each other’s thoughts and sentences. Ahh…the beginning of a new relationship is blooming.  

I’ve met a man who makes my heart spin cartwheels, he makes me smile so often that my face hurts, and his voice calms me when I hear it. At times, it’s as if we are the very mirror image of one another in many ways. 

How is life so cruel? You meet the perfect person for you, seems to be the one, you know the one person that compliments you, the one that you didn’t even know that you were looking for and yet, you don’t have timing on your side. There are clues that something is amiss, but you call it an off moment. Then, you settle into the slow responses, or no responses,  then the long silences, and eventually, you say your “goodbyes” and all that you remember is the word “friends” being mentioned.  Then, you pick yourself up, put on your mask and step back into the world alone. Again. 

Isn’t life funny? This is simply the universe whispering to me that, “Timing is Everything.”

I reply, “Timing is a Bitch!l”






Happy Valentine’s Day

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I’ve gone through the emotions of a fantastic date, a great love, to en emotionally unavailable ex, a string of bad dates from a Karaoke King to a Broadway Producer, then a Diplomat, the single parent, the Angry date and there is always one common theme… I just wanted to find someone that shared the same kind of strange ideas as myself, who could talk with me for hours and that in the end, I could find a connection with.

To all of the drinks, lonely nights, sonnets written, poems, mixed tapes, and playlists in the end… I just want him to whisper in my ear that he cares, hold my hand, talk with me about life and kiss the hell out of me like he means it.

If you find one of the above, you’re a lucky person. Hold onto it because passion is rare at times when love and friendship wavers, if you’ve not found it yet, have hope as it is waiting around the corner when you least expect it.

Stars

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He sends me lyrics, poems and songs. Shares his dreams, fantasies and childhood memories. He knows my secrets and I know his, yet we are both still like two star crossed teenagers finding love for the first time.

He makes my heart smile.

Love & Light

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. – Dr. Seuss

I learned of another loss of a close friend this week via Facebook.

This week, my girlfriend, “Bernie” (Bernadette) lost her battle with ALS.

To all that knew her, they knew the light inside he that shined and that she was loved.

Bernie and I met almost 9 years ago when we worked together in Human Resource. I recall her telling me, “I know where you live!! Wow. I grew up on that street, and from that first meeting, we quickly became close friends.

My times with her were spent like any others, sharing stories of life, discussing men, work, friends, having coffee, dinner, drink and believe it or not, we even went to a personal trainer together and started a work out routine.

This is one of my funniest memories of Bernie, as she was always so humbled. We started seeing a personal trainer together during lunch hours, and one day when she got back to her office, she had to call me to tell me that on her way back to the office, she’d stopped in the drive-thru of McDonalds. While sitting and waiting for her food, she realized that she still was wearing the heart monitor from the personal training session that we both just took….after laughing so hard about the fact that she’d done that, we also laughed that she’d gone to McDonalds after working out together.

We spent many days laughing at life together and watching the world go by from her yard or the patio next to the Bocce courts at the end of the street.

Bernie and I both had the misfortune of being unemployed together at the same time, and we even ran into one another at the unemployment office once, as we were both laughing and hugging about it…we started meeting regularly to encourage one another in finding new jobs. We even would have dinner nights, where I would cook and we would just stay in, as to feel like we were still going out.

Over the past few years, we had only spoken on occasion, as if moved to NYCITY and she to a home.

It’s sad to lose a friend so young and especially, knowing that they were going through something so tough before passing. Had I not moved away, I would’ve been to visit and spend time with her.

Rest in peace my good friend…I know you’re in a better place, but I wish I’d had a chance to say, “goodbye”.

Love & Light

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This is life…

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Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong world and possibly my dreams are the real world in which I should be living, dancing, singing, traveling and maybe that cat with the kittens that I keep saving will eventually stop having kittens for me to save. Then, there is the tiger that I see following me as I meander through fields, as I’m hanging out the side of a boat traveling down a river and the same tiger appears on the shore.

Maybe the cats are a series of warnings from my subconscious that when you’re dreaming of sitting at a baseball game and having a wonderful peaceful moment on a boat, and a tiger appears…perhaps someone in your life is meant to be the cause of the representative of the tiger?

You see, I’m scared of the tiger, yet drawn to him. When, I always save the kittens and the mother cat and I’m the savior.

This is a lot like life.

You never know when the tiger will show its stripes and or when it will attack.

Yet, you wake up each day and with good intentions keep traveling through your life in hopes that everything will be ok.

Lately, I’ve seen my share of tigers and I’m wondering if in some way, I’m not the cat that needs rescuing.

With each and every loss we have and every failure or love lost, it has all led me here. At times, these failures, I see as my greatest successes and at other times, just another girl with a dream. I still get up, get dressed and put myself back out there and know that I’m stronger than I feel.

Swiped Right

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It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.

I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.

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Someday…between the sun & moon

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Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.

I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”

He lives on a different continent, is one thing.

He challenges my beliefs that “someday” was a missed opportunity 20 years ago and now, we steal moments and exchanges between the sun and moon’s rotation. I miss him when he sleeps, but know that when I awake that I will awaken to some kind words from him, all of which I devour in minutes of bliss to wonder what life would be like with him beside me. Then, in an alternate or parallel universe, had we met sooner, lived near one another…would we have found each other sooner?

This man is amazing to me. I lf I created a list of the items that I would look for in my perfect person, he would have 90% of them. I can see myself in him, as he is an exact reflection of myself in ways.

He sends me poems, quotes, motivates me, we share our deepest secrets, desires, hardest moments, and I know his dreams, as they are similar to my own.

He gives me a sense of calmness just by knowing he’s there. He has made me a mixed tape of sorts in this age- via a Spotify playlist, and we have developed a dream life called, “Someday”, in ways, we have developed a language of our own, that only he and I would understand. We have gotten to a place we need not to say an entire sentence, but by a song reference and it becomes its own story. I can imagine him being there at the end of a tough day and catching me if I ever fall.

So, why is it that I’m so challenged in just letting this happen naturally, allowing my heart to open up? Why is it so hard being vulnerable? As with every step towards this man, I want to take two steps back in fear of losing what little faith that I have left in finding love. Yet, to find love, you must take a chance.

When do you just give in and let go of the past, jump in with everything and let things happen naturally?

Can we truly ignore these feelings and ignore them, or do we honor them and decide to take the scary steps and follow it where it takes us?

I’m at the crossroads here, as this feels like I’m on the edge of a very new adventure..and as scary as it feels, I don’t think that I can turn around now and need to take it one day at a time and enjoy what goodness it brings.

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