Love and loss

justagirlinnyc

When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.

– A Winters Tale

The world is an unstable and crazy place.
In the past year, I managed to have my heart broken by the same man so many times that I stopped counting. It went like this…
Everytime I had a date with him and would go get excited, find the perfect outfit, get a Brazilian wax…he would ultimately cancel or not show up for our plans. It was always a good excuse, meetings at work or an symposium and etc. Myself, with the perfect panties, bra and outfit on, in addition to the removal of my modesty that I’d left…

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About Me

I’m just a girl living in NewYork City trying to  survive. This is my journey into my life and all things dating, my thoughts, love, life and more. 

Someday…between the sun & moon

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Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve been challenged with this very question, as I’ve met someone new that I actually met on Tinder, of all places. I was looking for someone to have drinks with, date and I ended up meeting someone that makes me feel like a teenager.

I met someone that is finishing my sentences, texts me with the same thought as I am texting him- at the same time, we have similar preferences with music, art, love of words, reading, poetry, similar level working in our careers (his boss being in the US & mine being in the UK), both dreamers, love travel and you say, “what’s not to like?!”

He lives on a different continent, is one thing.

He challenges my beliefs that “someday” was a missed opportunity 20 years ago and now, we steal moments and exchanges between the sun and moon’s rotation. I miss him when he sleeps, but know that when I awake that I will awaken to some kind words from him, all of which I devour in minutes of bliss to wonder what life would be like with him beside me. Then, in an alternate or parallel universe, had we met sooner, lived near one another…would we have found each other sooner?

This man is amazing to me. I lf I created a list of the items that I would look for in my perfect person, he would have 90% of them. I can see myself in him, as he is an exact reflection of myself in ways.

He sends me poems, quotes, motivates me, we share our deepest secrets, desires, hardest moments, and I know his dreams, as they are similar to my own.

He gives me a sense of calmness just by knowing he’s there. He has made me a mixed tape of sorts in this age- via a Spotify playlist, and we have developed a dream life called, “Someday”, in ways, we have developed a language of our own, that only he and I would understand. We have gotten to a place we need not to say an entire sentence, but by a song reference and it becomes its own story. I can imagine him being there at the end of a tough day and catching me if I ever fall.

So, why is it that I’m so challenged in just letting this happen naturally, allowing my heart to open up? Why is it so hard being vulnerable? As with every step towards this man, I want to take two steps back in fear of losing what little faith that I have left in finding love. Yet, to find love, you must take a chance.

When do you just give in and let go of the past, jump in with everything and let things happen naturally?

Can we truly ignore these feelings and ignore them, or do we honor them and decide to take the scary steps and follow it where it takes us?

I’m at the crossroads here, as this feels like I’m on the edge of a very new adventure..and as scary as it feels, I don’t think that I can turn around now and need to take it one day at a time and enjoy what goodness it brings.

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Love and loss

When true love is lost, life can bleed of all meaning. We are left blank. But the possibility of destiny remains. What we are meant for may yet be discovered. And once in a very long while, that journey to find our destiny may defeat even time itself.

– A Winters Tale

The world is an unstable and crazy place.
In the past year, I managed to have my heart broken by the same man so many times that I stopped counting. It went like this…
Everytime I had a date with him and would go get excited, find the perfect outfit, get a Brazilian wax…he would ultimately cancel or not show up for our plans. It was always a good excuse, meetings at work or an symposium and etc. Myself, with the perfect panties, bra and outfit on, in addition to the removal of my modesty that I’d left somehow on the waxing table when being stripped of my honor in more ways than one.

Life is funny.

Do you believe in true love? Do you believe in soulmates? Do you believe that the synchronicities that happen between to people are binding and add Up to more reasons to explore?!
My answer: I don’t know.

Over Christmas, I found out through a facebook posting that my ex boyfriend, who my friends and I nick named:
The runner ( he ran marathons)
Superman
The drunk in the fountain
The Webster guy
John / the nerdy one

With all the names and innocence, I met him online via match.com when living in StL. At the time, we dated enough to have happy hour, sleep overs and after his first marathon, I made him a care package.

He was a good man. Quirky, but good. Since moving away from STL, I lost touch with many, but John always kept in touch with me via text, Facebook or an email. He would always ask me how I was in a genuine & caring way.

Last year, he started sending me the nicest notes and confessing how he’d always cared for me, he even apologized for not showing me how much when we dated on and off, and not being the man that I deserved. He told me in one exchange that he loved waking up with me and watching me sleep.

He never told me that he loved me or even that he cared about me when we were dating, as it was always through a poem he would read or the way he would pull me close.

Earlier this past year, he started flirting with me once again via face book. He told me that he did fall head over heels for me; that he didn’t know why he was so afraid to try to make something more happen with us or try to have a life with me, but he knew that we would definitely see one another again. He made me understand that even in my darkest moments with him that he always loved me in his way and cherished our friendship.

The night in December, that I read on Facebook that he’s died from a posting on his page from his brother shocked me. It turned my heart inside out and truly hurt me to find out via social media that he’d been suffering with a terminal illness for years and didn’t tell me, and then finding out like this.

This is the first time that a man that I’ve loved as not only a friend, but a lover died. The sad part is that he had been reaching out to me for 9 months prior and trying to reconnect with me. I’m happy that I flirted with him, and in every exchange we were sweet and kind. However, he was making amends with me and now, that thought makes me sad. There were days that he would message me and I was too busy in my own life to respond though.

John passed away of kidney failure the week before Christmas, according to his brother. Honestly, he was a challenging man and it was miraculous how close we were and that we remained friends.
He was 44 years old. He ran marathons, he was a difficult person at times, loved animals, we disagreed on politics, but he deserved love in his final days.

What kills me is that he sent me a message before he died saying, “Happy Holidays” and died less than 7 days later, but I was so busy with work and life to respond. His days were numbered as he wasted a small part on reaching out to me and letting me know he cares, yet he never told me that he was sick and dying.

Remember, the lesson is that everyone in your life is important. Try to always speak with honor, integrity, be authentic and do everything with love. Stop and respond to people that are offering you a kindness, as you never know if that will be your last time with them.

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New Life, New Land, New Love & New Beginnings… Happy New Year

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It’s been awhile… 2014 was a year of loss, pain, hard work, struggles, battles, there were a lot of tears and times that I was tested beyond my own beliefs.

I endured a difficult year, starting with a new job, struggling with difficult people, had my heart broken into several pieces, mourning the loss of a dog, a cat, family and friends, there was an injury, surgery, a new job, an old job, another new job offer, then another job offer to stay with the promise of many treasures should I build the castle as deemed.

My struggles were mine, they were both internal and external, yet I held myself to be true to who I was, kept my strength and proved that I was beyond being defeated by them. I traveled to Europe, across the states, made new friends, lost some friends, fell out of contact with some, and built a new plateau of which I needed to rise to.

In helping friends, I gained a cat and found a new love in something so innocent. #sparecat

I lost love, mended my heart, received redemption, a sweet goodbye, validation and walked away with pride. I met old loves from my past as new friends, and I went on many, many first dates and with each one getting worse and more comical, I never let it kill my belief or sense of wonder that there was someone out there.

I spent time with my family and friends and was lucky enough to hug them all.

In the end of the year, I look back and realized that I made several new friend’s last year, most of them have proven to be the best parts of 2014 and renewed my faith in people & new connections in this life.

With all of the lessons of 2014, I have no regrets. I’m ready for a new year… new beginning and I am on a new track…. Over time, I will catch up on the stories of 2014 and the new adventures to be had in 2015.

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Thank you for the follow and the support…

xx

Tis’ the season…

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T’was the weekend before Christmas and all through the studio apartment….the only creature stirring was my cat Luxe…. haha. Not really, he’s passed out on the bed…as I type away with a glass of wine in front of my Christmas tree.

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Sorry for my delayed posting, but with the holidays approaching quickly, my heavy interviewing schedule and trying to keep up with my friends, family, gift shopping and shipping…my world has been in overdrive…and as the end of the year 2013 nears… yes, there was a resurfacing in my life of a person that I thought that I once loved or possibly still do. Jury is still out on this one.

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I’ve debated on writing about him and due to my current feelings for him, and for reasons that I cannot understand, and mostly out of respect; determined that he needs to remain in the vault for now. Although, the tales are quite entertaining and would make most laugh; they need to be held tightly until I am capable of understanding them myself.

So, with this, I wish all of you a Happy Holiday Season… as I will be writing again soon enough, but taking a needed break over the holidays.

Thank you again for the follow’s and for all of your support. I look forward to sharing more of my life stories with you soon enough.

 

All the best-

Justagirlinnyc

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Bad Gifts, The Christmas Spirit and What happens at a Holiday Party…stays there…right?

White Elephant, Chinese Christmas, Gag gift, re-gifting parties are always a great time…

I always wanted to be a “good-gifter”, since I know what being the victim of a bad gift feels like.

gifts

In regards to gifts, as I was growing up I used to get the worst Christmas gifts and these continued into my adulthood from my grandparents or aunt.  Whatever it was, I usually received the pink one and my sister, the blue one.

Some of my favorite worst gifts were in my teenage years….

There was a strange flannel nightgown with little flowers all over it, and resembled something from, the TV show, “Little house on the prairie.”

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Another was white ceramic cat that had pink rabbit fur glued to it, always makes me laugh remembering opening these gifts and I’m sure that my face said it all.

I finally started putting their gifts to the side and allowing my sister to open them first. One year, my sister opened a ring gift box first and it was a beautiful opal setting and showing it to us. I’m thinking… could they have possibly gotten this right? Then, I open my ring box to see a pearl ring. You’re thinking, wow…that is a nice gift, right? Yeah, well…my pearl was the size of an eyeball. It was something out of a costume bin or a gumball machine and it was hilarious, probably not to me at the time, but I did love showing it to people as they looked horrified.

pearl ring

As I got older, the gifts became more awkward.

When I was in my 30’s, I will never forget that I received a package of what appeared to be underwear. I thought that was odd enough, but this was a leopard print netting mesh panty set with top. Umm….. Ok. What the hell is this?  Did they send me a nighty?

Odd thing about it, was that they didn’t have a crotch?! My grandmother sent me crotch less panties?? I gave these to goodwill with a laugh wondering who would buy them at Goodwill.

leopard nightycrotchless panties

Then, another year, I received a strange lamp that I recall re-gifting and taking to a White Elephant gift exchange party… If I recall, someone actually fought over the ugly lamp. It was a crazy leopard lampshade thing.

Another time, my two close guy friends in high school once bought me a sweater for Christmas. It was “hands down” the ugliest sweater that I have ever owned.  I recall that it was a blend of light brown, teal, purple, & black that I’d ever seen. However, since they were so proud of it, I had to act like I loved it and also wear it.

Then, I have had boyfriends give me some crazy things as well, some of which I wondered who they were shopping for when I opened them. Awful earrings, one gave me, I recall Christmas morning opening them and being so disappointed.  There were so many funny gifts, one guy I dated bought me a DVD once, and I was like, “What is this? Who buys me a $10 DVD?” and I think that I’d bought him the DVD player. Umm, typical of my dating life… When it comes to gifts from people you are dating, I have learned that it’s better to just tell them what to buy you.

In my family, we always have a tradition on Christmas Eve with our friends to have a “White Elephant” party. They are generally awfully funny gifts that we intentionally buy for laughter, shock value and are usually hilarious. I must explain that this is one of the best events all year long, as we plan and prepare for this sometimes months in advance. While others show up with something normal or without a gift at all, the original members of the family tradition and friends always show up prepared for fun. My mother always has an extra gift or two wrapped, just incase someone shows up unprepared.

The funniest part about these parties is when someone new comes and they bring a nice gift and don’t necessarily understand the concept of a “gag gift” and bring something good, that you would actually want, yet they receive one of the funnier gifts.

I’ve seen the likes of a gift bag containing Peanut Butter, Jelly and a loaf of bread, singing stuffed animals, sexy toys, literally jingle bells men’s jock straps, and one year there was the set of men’s thongs that were furry and looked like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer with bells and all, bottles of booze, children’s toys, some of my favorites were from the “As Seen On TV” aisle or the Infomercial gifts. I think that I still have the “Shake Weight” somewhere around here…it’s that arm weight dumb bell thing, that looks like you’re doing something sexual jerking your arms up and down to tone them.

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Others were Chia Pets, The Clapper, Flow bee, the thigh master, and such.  The funnier part of these gifts is that some are so funny that they’re recycled year after year…like the infamous “Hank Williams” that sung and after a few years, he was finally retired.

obama chiafanny bank

I personally favored the booze gifts; however, as I was always traveling, I was unable to take the bottles on the plane, so it always seemed like we were trying to drink it down before I flew home.

So, as I prepared to go to another party like this a few years ago, I found the classic gift to bring…The neck massager. It was perfectly perverse, as you could imagine it was shaped like a “C” and a woman could actually sit on it for vibration. I think to myself, wow… this is perfect. Under $15 and will be a classic terrible gift. My friend that I was going with said that they understood the concept and wrapped a gift in a bag and away we go.

The party gets along with a lot of drinking, booze, there is some food…we’re all having a blast, they even have karaoke set up in the living room…after an hour or two, it’s time for the gift exchange. By now, we’re all too drunk to understand some of the rule’s, or they’re being made up as we go.

So, the game begins, people are picking, swapping gifts, there is a bottle of booze, a pocket vibrator with some lubricant in a stocking…it’s hilarious, someone opens a red velvet thong set for a man with white trim and yes, it’s fought over…next thing you know my friend grabs it and is running around with these over his jeans.

santa thong

Finally, someone picks my neck massager, it’s an immediate hit, it’s immediately being ridden like a bull, and the rest of the party was a blur as I think that neither of us ended up parting with any of them…but woke up with a terrible hangover and calling each other trying to recap the night.

Later that afternoon, I open my purse to find something and find the Santa inspired men’s thong and a pocket rocket vibrator..hahaha and I laugh to myself… I finally left with the good gift!! How in the hell did these get here? I can’t wait to re-gift these again…the thong, not the vibrator.

Then, I find a video on my phone of my friends singing, “Hit me with your best shot!” ….One wearing the Santa thong, another in a green velvet jingle bells thong, and the third figured out how to straddle the neck massager and connect it to them…as he is holding a male blow up doll.

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My friend later admits that he found the blow up doll in his entry of his apartment and had also pissed himself and vomited somewhere, as there were evidence on his clothes, along with a bag from Mc Donalds…we laughed so hard about him walking passed his doorman with that bag of food and a blow up man doll.

blowup doll

He never told me what he did with it, and I erased that video, as I never wanted to view it again…it was THAT bad.

This was such a fun night.

Classic Christmas tale.

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