Bad Gifts, The Christmas Spirit and What happens at a Holiday Party…stays there…right?

White Elephant, Chinese Christmas, Gag gift, re-gifting parties are always a great time…

I always wanted to be a “good-gifter”, since I know what being the victim of a bad gift feels like.

gifts

In regards to gifts, as I was growing up I used to get the worst Christmas gifts and these continued into my adulthood from my grandparents or aunt.  Whatever it was, I usually received the pink one and my sister, the blue one.

Some of my favorite worst gifts were in my teenage years….

There was a strange flannel nightgown with little flowers all over it, and resembled something from, the TV show, “Little house on the prairie.”

Peter-Pan-Flannel-Nightgown-Lanz-Wedgewood-Roses-CL563687-167-B

Another was white ceramic cat that had pink rabbit fur glued to it, always makes me laugh remembering opening these gifts and I’m sure that my face said it all.

I finally started putting their gifts to the side and allowing my sister to open them first. One year, my sister opened a ring gift box first and it was a beautiful opal setting and showing it to us. I’m thinking… could they have possibly gotten this right? Then, I open my ring box to see a pearl ring. You’re thinking, wow…that is a nice gift, right? Yeah, well…my pearl was the size of an eyeball. It was something out of a costume bin or a gumball machine and it was hilarious, probably not to me at the time, but I did love showing it to people as they looked horrified.

pearl ring

As I got older, the gifts became more awkward.

When I was in my 30’s, I will never forget that I received a package of what appeared to be underwear. I thought that was odd enough, but this was a leopard print netting mesh panty set with top. Umm….. Ok. What the hell is this?  Did they send me a nighty?

Odd thing about it, was that they didn’t have a crotch?! My grandmother sent me crotch less panties?? I gave these to goodwill with a laugh wondering who would buy them at Goodwill.

leopard nightycrotchless panties

Then, another year, I received a strange lamp that I recall re-gifting and taking to a White Elephant gift exchange party… If I recall, someone actually fought over the ugly lamp. It was a crazy leopard lampshade thing.

Another time, my two close guy friends in high school once bought me a sweater for Christmas. It was “hands down” the ugliest sweater that I have ever owned.  I recall that it was a blend of light brown, teal, purple, & black that I’d ever seen. However, since they were so proud of it, I had to act like I loved it and also wear it.

Then, I have had boyfriends give me some crazy things as well, some of which I wondered who they were shopping for when I opened them. Awful earrings, one gave me, I recall Christmas morning opening them and being so disappointed.  There were so many funny gifts, one guy I dated bought me a DVD once, and I was like, “What is this? Who buys me a $10 DVD?” and I think that I’d bought him the DVD player. Umm, typical of my dating life… When it comes to gifts from people you are dating, I have learned that it’s better to just tell them what to buy you.

In my family, we always have a tradition on Christmas Eve with our friends to have a “White Elephant” party. They are generally awfully funny gifts that we intentionally buy for laughter, shock value and are usually hilarious. I must explain that this is one of the best events all year long, as we plan and prepare for this sometimes months in advance. While others show up with something normal or without a gift at all, the original members of the family tradition and friends always show up prepared for fun. My mother always has an extra gift or two wrapped, just incase someone shows up unprepared.

The funniest part about these parties is when someone new comes and they bring a nice gift and don’t necessarily understand the concept of a “gag gift” and bring something good, that you would actually want, yet they receive one of the funnier gifts.

I’ve seen the likes of a gift bag containing Peanut Butter, Jelly and a loaf of bread, singing stuffed animals, sexy toys, literally jingle bells men’s jock straps, and one year there was the set of men’s thongs that were furry and looked like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer with bells and all, bottles of booze, children’s toys, some of my favorites were from the “As Seen On TV” aisle or the Infomercial gifts. I think that I still have the “Shake Weight” somewhere around here…it’s that arm weight dumb bell thing, that looks like you’re doing something sexual jerking your arms up and down to tone them.

shake weight

Others were Chia Pets, The Clapper, Flow bee, the thigh master, and such.  The funnier part of these gifts is that some are so funny that they’re recycled year after year…like the infamous “Hank Williams” that sung and after a few years, he was finally retired.

obama chiafanny bank

I personally favored the booze gifts; however, as I was always traveling, I was unable to take the bottles on the plane, so it always seemed like we were trying to drink it down before I flew home.

So, as I prepared to go to another party like this a few years ago, I found the classic gift to bring…The neck massager. It was perfectly perverse, as you could imagine it was shaped like a “C” and a woman could actually sit on it for vibration. I think to myself, wow… this is perfect. Under $15 and will be a classic terrible gift. My friend that I was going with said that they understood the concept and wrapped a gift in a bag and away we go.

The party gets along with a lot of drinking, booze, there is some food…we’re all having a blast, they even have karaoke set up in the living room…after an hour or two, it’s time for the gift exchange. By now, we’re all too drunk to understand some of the rule’s, or they’re being made up as we go.

So, the game begins, people are picking, swapping gifts, there is a bottle of booze, a pocket vibrator with some lubricant in a stocking…it’s hilarious, someone opens a red velvet thong set for a man with white trim and yes, it’s fought over…next thing you know my friend grabs it and is running around with these over his jeans.

santa thong

Finally, someone picks my neck massager, it’s an immediate hit, it’s immediately being ridden like a bull, and the rest of the party was a blur as I think that neither of us ended up parting with any of them…but woke up with a terrible hangover and calling each other trying to recap the night.

Later that afternoon, I open my purse to find something and find the Santa inspired men’s thong and a pocket rocket vibrator..hahaha and I laugh to myself… I finally left with the good gift!! How in the hell did these get here? I can’t wait to re-gift these again…the thong, not the vibrator.

Then, I find a video on my phone of my friends singing, “Hit me with your best shot!” ….One wearing the Santa thong, another in a green velvet jingle bells thong, and the third figured out how to straddle the neck massager and connect it to them…as he is holding a male blow up doll.

karaoke girl

My friend later admits that he found the blow up doll in his entry of his apartment and had also pissed himself and vomited somewhere, as there were evidence on his clothes, along with a bag from Mc Donalds…we laughed so hard about him walking passed his doorman with that bag of food and a blow up man doll.

blowup doll

He never told me what he did with it, and I erased that video, as I never wanted to view it again…it was THAT bad.

This was such a fun night.

Classic Christmas tale.

Unrequited love…the cruelest version of love there is.

unrequited love quote download

Unrequited love

Web definitions

Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as “not reciprocated or returned in kind. …

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love

I’ve been the victim of this feeling and honestly can recall during these times in my life that they were some of the worst holidays that I’ve ever had, not to mention years.

Shakespeare said that, “Journeys end in lovers meeting”…. I have yet to experience this, but he also said, “Love is blind.” This, I have known all too well.

Love is something that we all are in search of throughout this journey in life; it’s something we are always wanting. We seek out love within our family’s, our friends, and our pet’s, in our work, through our experiences and such. Life is not such, but you see, I’ve willingly given myself in love to some men and it’s only to have been unrequited… In looking back, these were the worst Christmas’s, birthdays, and holidays and years at times, as I was always trying to see the value in the moments that were met with these lover’s that I had. You see, I was lying to myself about what the situation truly was and I imagined that what they had told me in our times together, were not only that of value, but of honestly and truth.  They did not love me back and in all honesty, looking back. I don’t know if I truly loved them either. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I spent many New Year’s Eve’s alone for years, only to bring in the New Year with a constant drink in hand and a cruel hangover in an empty bed.

unrequited love images

This is definitely a new holiday season and when I wonder what is missing, it’s not that I live thousands of miles from my family, but it’s that I’m not a victim of unrequited love at present, not even a love interest… I don’t have love in my heart right now for anyone,  but I’m completely open to finding love again, but only if it’s the passionate, fall in love, butterflies in my stomach, hand holding, kissing and walking around with a grin ear to ear kind of love. Wish me luck and follow me on my journey.

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The Karaoke King…

karaoke king

During the holidays, I decided to spend my first Christmas in New York City alone and after drinking a bottle or three of wine, I am determined to get back in the saddle again and update the online dating profile for the New Year… In walks in The Karaoke Cowboy…

So, it’s the same old story… you flirt back and forth on line, talk on the phone, set up the first date and you’re going to show up with an open mind and hope for the best. The first date is nice, we meet for drinks, dinner, have a great conversation, yet he’s always hiding across a table and etc. It’s winter, we’re in a lot of clothes..Is this guy wearing a fat suit? Its dark in here and I can’t tell..maybe it’s just the coat.

I have a nice time, but not convinced that I have any interest… to make a long story short, this guy was a nice guy, but besides the first date, every other date ended up with him directing us to some random bar to watch him sing Karaoke…with serenading me with multiple country/western song’s because I was from Texas. Then, he would get ridiculously drunk and try jumping me.

After one date, I remember running into the nearest taxi and leaving him on the street and grateful that the taxi came at the exact same time. The guy was nice, but was determined to continue to pursue me… I gave it several college tries, but I couldn’t do it. I felt no chemistry with this guy…not to mention, the Karaoke drove me crazy…especially, when he told me that this was his dream night out and he went 2-3 times a week to karaoke bars just to sing.

I think the last straw was the night that he showed up on my street hammered after being at a dinner with coworker’s and kept telling me that he got a new promotion and could “take care” of me and would be “very generous” to me in bed… I wanted to vomit and couldn’t peel his hands off of me or calm his drunken behavior without being pretty blunt. Such a disappointment, I’ll never forget him trying to guilt me about him actually trying to get me to let him stay at my apartment, let alone find out where I lived vs. him taking a Metro North train back out to the suburbs home.

Opposites may work at times, but a drunken scotch drinker in a fat suit,  pawing all over me, then serenading me were not my idea of a good match.

After this disappointment and him stalking me for about 3 more months… I decided to stop dating and to focus on myself for a while… convinced that Prince Charming, or at the least a decent man with some character would come along and sweep me off my feet… does this truly happen to anyone?

2/3years later, this guy still has the same photos on his dating profile.

The Producer… aka Broadway…or Hollywood…

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So, my initiation to dating in New York City was not the typical transition, I aimed high in the Big city with Bright Lights… I landed a Broadway Producer to charm the pants off of me… literally.

As all good things must come to an end, we had our ups and downs… months of texts, stolen phone calls, and then he would just “appear” in NYCity and expect me to come running, drop everything.. see him between interviews with journalist’s, show’s and etc. You see, it was doomed from the beginning, as we lived in different dimensions.. I, the girl with the 9-5 job and he didn’t generally start his day until later, and then wouldn’t get out until after midnight. We met in dark corners of hotel bars, lounges, dinners in amazing places, I have seen the most amazing hotel’s in NYCity and most of his room’s had bigger bathroom’s than my entire apartment. Now, I know what it sounds like, but we also met for coffee and yes, he came to my tiny studio on Sunday morning one time pleading with me to stay in his life.

The last time that I saw him, he came to my place, we had an amazing talk, great evening together before he had to fly back to London… and I woke up to a note saying that he would be back in New York City in 3 weeks and would like to have dinner with me.. someplace “nice” xxx. Three weeks turned into months….

He managed to text me over the holidays simple smiley faces, or “xoxo, xxx” and etc.

I never saw him again, but I occasionally receive text messages. He’s now a very successful movie producer.

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