Another year down…

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Why is it as we age, we start reminiscing more? 

It was my birthday week and another year slipped by with happy hour, cocktails, meeting & celebrating  with friends a hangover or two and I’ve realized that I have some amazing people in my life from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. I am blessed with a full life of friends and family. At times challenges, but all is with good intentions. 

I’ve made some committments to myself this year that I’ve not kept well on and decided as I was walking through Central Park today, and noticing the ponds beginning to thaw that it’s time that I start making good on these and quit making excuses. 

  

My treat to myself was to attend a past life regression workshop with Mira Kelly and she shared some wise words with us about, “following everything that excites you, not to let fear get in the way and be open to new experiences.” 

I know, I could read this in a book, yet it rings true as I want to make changes in my life for the good, yet get stuck and end up sitting on the sofa making excuses. 

At work, im a part of a strong womens network and we were working on our video’s for #passthetorch4women and I wrote and recorded to be more of an inspiration and influencer for women to be their authentic selves, but in hindsight I need to remember to do this, it has to start with me. 

I need to be comitted to nuturing my own soul before I can be committed to inspiring change in others. 

I’m committing to myself to make more positive changes, to challenge myself and inspire myself to be better. 

Committing to be better with nuturing myself, healing my body and getting myself back in shape physically and mentally inside and out. 

I’m on a new path…of taking care of myself first and loving who I am and who I’ve become, so that I can allow love in my world and make a difference through my changes. I am going to trust myself more and listen to my body, mind and not give as much to others of myself, but support from the side as a partner. 

This may be a great new beginning. 

What am I doing?



Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? There are twists, turns, emotions, sadness, excitement and heightened feelings and emotions, as you try to fit everything into a small amount of time. 

You’re partner is like a dealer of love or attention, and when they pull away or don’t lend that same attention or feeling to you…you want it more. It’s a sick game that your mind plays on you, as you slip from being that once confident person to becoming the one lying on the bathroom floor or laying in an empty be night after night going over every detail to try to figure out just when you stopped being the one and turned into that pathetic, needy version of yourself. 

I’m not that person, but I can tell you from experience, I’ve been that person more than once. In all of life, I’ve never had one  homerun in life in love, where I’ve felt the comfort in knowing someone will still be waiting for me when I get home… unless you’re talking about my four legged friends. Let’s be honest, they stay because I feed them. 

In the back of my head, I always think that it is just a matter of time until this happens…the second guessing, a rough day and the day ends with one or both of you not making each other a priority. 

Things slip, you stop talking a day here, stop sharing ideas, and you both add some space to focus on work, life and etc…until it eventually fades into just friends. I don’t handle this well when I can’t see someone, and I’ve never been good at long distance relationships or relationships where one travels too much between seeing one another. 

Part of me knows this, then the other part is holding onto hope or a glimpse of this working out. It’s a cruel joke that life plays on you, especially when there are so many odds against you from the beginning. 

My core tells me that it’s about managing, “the little things” and through these affirmations daily, you can try to beat the odds, but in life there are no guarantees and all is fair in Love and war, they say. 

Happy Valentine’s Day

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I’ve gone through the emotions of a fantastic date, a great love, to en emotionally unavailable ex, a string of bad dates from a Karaoke King to a Broadway Producer, then a Diplomat, the single parent, the Angry date and there is always one common theme… I just wanted to find someone that shared the same kind of strange ideas as myself, who could talk with me for hours and that in the end, I could find a connection with.

To all of the drinks, lonely nights, sonnets written, poems, mixed tapes, and playlists in the end… I just want him to whisper in my ear that he cares, hold my hand, talk with me about life and kiss the hell out of me like he means it.

If you find one of the above, you’re a lucky person. Hold onto it because passion is rare at times when love and friendship wavers, if you’ve not found it yet, have hope as it is waiting around the corner when you least expect it.

This is life…

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Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong world and possibly my dreams are the real world in which I should be living, dancing, singing, traveling and maybe that cat with the kittens that I keep saving will eventually stop having kittens for me to save. Then, there is the tiger that I see following me as I meander through fields, as I’m hanging out the side of a boat traveling down a river and the same tiger appears on the shore.

Maybe the cats are a series of warnings from my subconscious that when you’re dreaming of sitting at a baseball game and having a wonderful peaceful moment on a boat, and a tiger appears…perhaps someone in your life is meant to be the cause of the representative of the tiger?

You see, I’m scared of the tiger, yet drawn to him. When, I always save the kittens and the mother cat and I’m the savior.

This is a lot like life.

You never know when the tiger will show its stripes and or when it will attack.

Yet, you wake up each day and with good intentions keep traveling through your life in hopes that everything will be ok.

Lately, I’ve seen my share of tigers and I’m wondering if in some way, I’m not the cat that needs rescuing.

With each and every loss we have and every failure or love lost, it has all led me here. At times, these failures, I see as my greatest successes and at other times, just another girl with a dream. I still get up, get dressed and put myself back out there and know that I’m stronger than I feel.

Swiped Right

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It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.

I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.

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I have much to be Thankful for. Remember…It’s all about Love.

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Happy Thanksgiving…..

I have a lot to be Thankful for at present…yesterday, as I was walking into Starbucks and waiting for my Latte, I saw a man going through the trash bin on the corner of 81st/3rd Avenue… He was going through the bag that I’d just dropped in the garbage that was full of junk from my apartment. No food, just paper trash, bags and such…I was mesmerized watching him, and then…he took the bag with some of the garbage with him on his way. I realized, “Every day is a blessing and I’m Thankful that I have a roof over my head, which I have a place to sleep inside, (so does my cat) and that life is about more than the $5 drink that I’m waiting on in Starbucks.”

This year, I’ve lost my health, lost my faith, my love, my strength, my hope, gained some weight, lost my job, and felt like I was losing my mind at times. I went through 6 rounds of spinal epidural injections (wish I’d read the side effects more), served on a jury, traveled on a beach trip alone, made new friends, lost some friends, encouraged growth in others and in myself, lost myself and found myself…did I mention that I lost love too and am in the process of finding it again.

I put up my tree in my tiny apartment the other night and it’s made me so happy to just watch the lights, but it also could be from the wine that I’ve been drinking… or the Prosecco that I’m drinking right now, as I write and am awaiting my Thanksgiving feast to be ready. I made a turkey breast, stuffing, my amazing homemade garlic mashed potatoes, and I have gravy and vegetables to make. All for just me. Plus, I bought a pumpkin pie to take part in later…that was the hardest thing not to dive into before my meal. I love Pumpkin Pie.

I read that if Pumpkin Pie is your favorite pie that means that you’re very attractive… hahaha. I will take it.  Yes, I’m alone today for the holiday, I did not get up and venture out in the cold weather to watch the parade, but I stayed in my apartment to make dinner and relax today.  I wasn’t invited anywhere for the holiday and to be honest, I don’t think that I would’ve gone to anyone’s house anyhow, as I like my own cooking and really was looking forward to my time alone. I’ve received tons of texts, a facetime call with my niece in Texas, spoke on the phone with my mother in Texas and even sent a recipe over Facebook to a family friend for my mashed potatoes.

One of the highlights is that my hickeys are finally healing and with knowing the man is definitely on my mind that gifted them to me, it has been a strange beginning, yet nothing with him has been normal. Our first date was over 3 years ago. Since seeing him a week and a half ago, I’ve not really heard much from him…yet, today…I got a, “Happy Thanksgiving” text from him, which was very sweet and I guess in man language, it means that he’s still thinking of me and all is not lost in the land of a new beginning with this man. Why do we over analyze these little things?!

The quote for he and I would be, “You can’t rush something that you want to last forever.”

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My thoughts are positive. However, I’m not thinking he’s my forever, but am grateful to be open to love again after the past year, anything positive in my life makes me grateful. This could be the beginning of some kind of Wonderful. See. I think that I’m finding “hope” again, as well as my belief in love. My therapist recently told me that he finally see’s me opening up more again and showing more faith in love in my life.

I am Thankful for just having some good coming my way on this great holiday… I have much to be Thankful for.  Remember…It’s all about Love.

If it’s supposed to happen….It Will.

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Life is full of surprises….as you may, may not know that I have a long history of working in technology and consider myself somewhat of a nerd at times; however, when I’m working, I always have a difficult time with managing work/life balance. However, once I’m unemployed or on a break between contracts, I’m the most open to romance, happiest girl in the world…elated really and I guess that my energy is at its  best when I’m in search of my next big step.

It’s been a few months since my heart was ripped out, stomped on and made to feel like a dog’s chew toy. I am feeling much better health wise, as I’m back in Physical Therapy… I had a bad MRI last year, after limping and going through challenges of dealing with pain, numbness and etc. I was to learn that I have Spinal Stenosis (narrowing of my spinal canal), my L2-L5S1 are herniated, I have arthritis and slight scoliosis. As I was seeing, “The Diplomat”… I learned all of this and managed to go through 3 rounds of Spinal Epidural Injections (2 each time)…which are such fun. Imagine this, sitting on a gurney on your stomach in front of an X-ray while someone numbs your spine and back as they wait for the numbing to occur, they draw on your spine for entry points to stick a needle into the area’s between your discs to puncture the spinal area and first shoot a dye that they watch on the X-ray and then insert the steroids to try to help the injured area. The process while being numbed is frightening thinking that they’re working so closely on your spine, yet it’s oddly simple and complex at the same time. The pain is indifferent because I’m generally in a lot of pain and at the time, I was in a lot of pain. So, anything is worth trying to help ease the discomfort that I was in constantly.

As you can imagine, steroids manage to escalate your emotions, wreak havoc on your body, and you are only allowed so many during a specific time period because of the damage that could occur. Well, being alone living in NYC, living in a walk up, having no family, finding out that I had such issues that could result in worse issues…my mental state wasn’t the greatest. This man could’ve told me anything…I was not in a place to date anyone. It was clearly an emotional high to have him in my life…the one thing that I looked forward to, actually quite sad. My work life was dwindling, I felt as though I had a limited work/life balance, but would try to remain extremely driven and ensure that I was able to not only add value, but be able to deliver during this time, to not hinder my job as well.

I sought out a Therapist that specialized in working with people with illness and helping them manage the pain, then helping with their abilities through dreams, mental exercises in uplifting these issues. My only regret is not looking for him sooner.

At present, I realized that had I not been in such an ugly place mentally with my health, I never would have allowed such back/forth to happen in my personal life. I was a mess.

Since, I’ve been recovering, evolving, and gaining back my strength; my energy has been lifted… I took off on a vacation on my own for a week to Punta Cana, DR and loved it. My days were filled at the pool, near the beach and relaxing.

Why am I telling you this….as a result of working not only on myself mentally, but physically I am healing.

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I’ve not continued to online date recently; however, I’ve been on dates two Saturdays in a row without me leaving my apartment or doing anything different to be asked out.

Date #1 was with “The Name Changer”… haha. We ended up just meeting for drinks and having a few glasses of wine, catching up and realized that we are and will always be “just friends”. Nothing More.

Date #2…. Was a HUGE Surprise… It was with a man who I had met when I first moved to NYC and still had an apartment in St. Louis. We met online at Match.com, went on a great date, but due to timing…it just never worked out for us. We kept in touch and over the years, he would reach out and ask me out, but it just never happened. I’m not going to say too much about him, but after not seeing one another for 3 years, we had a great time together… It was a comfortable night, we talked, cuddled and kissed so much that I will smile thinking about him for the rest of my life. My friends keep asking me… “Are you going to see him again?”… My reply, “I don’t know… if he asks me out again, definitely. However, after everything that I’ve learned is that you cannot rush something or force it to happen. If it is meant to be, it will happen!”

He returned into my life for a purpose though and I think that all of the times that I have been talking to my angels and asking for Love, Passion, Kisses, Hand holding, hugs, and intimacy… they sent him to remind me what that felt like again. He taught me more in one night what I wanted and what I did not want. He reminded me that the “love” that I’d thought that I had with the guy I’d last dated aka “The Diplomat” was lacking the passion and sweetness that I yearned for.
Yes, we had sweet moments and he always told me that I was beautiful, but his actions did not always show this. He was always holding back and never gave me an entire evening talking & etc. There was always an end to the evening usually with me getting into a cab and crying myself back home. However bad it was in the end, I loved him, but it hurt me and he abandoned me without as much as a text goodbye.

However, Date #2 -The Dad, we can call him… He did. He met me at my train, hugged me, kissed me…took my bags, took me out, held my hand, watched me, he told me how happy he was to see me after 3 years and how much he’d thought about me over the years since and how many times that he’d wanted to call me. He held my hand, touched me and held me close, while we just sat on his patio talking and sharing stories…He’s shown me that I was worthy of love and that I could love someone again, my heart may have been hurt, but vulnerability is a beautiful thing, so is trusting someone with your heart….when they look you in the eye, take your hand and kiss you…. It is a promise. It may only be for the date, the night or a short time, but in the end… I will always know that he meant it.

I don’t know if I will see him again, but either way…I’m just going with it, letting go of everything, enjoying the ride and happy that it happened.

You see, sometimes you just need one person to remind you that you’re still capable of hope and open to love.

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My Dating stories prior to NYC…and we all come to NYC to fall in Love, right?

My Dating stories prior to NYC…and we all come to NYC to fall in Love, right?.