Another year down…

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Why is it as we age, we start reminiscing more? 

It was my birthday week and another year slipped by with happy hour, cocktails, meeting & celebrating  with friends a hangover or two and I’ve realized that I have some amazing people in my life from all walks of life and from all backgrounds. I am blessed with a full life of friends and family. At times challenges, but all is with good intentions. 

I’ve made some committments to myself this year that I’ve not kept well on and decided as I was walking through Central Park today, and noticing the ponds beginning to thaw that it’s time that I start making good on these and quit making excuses. 

  

My treat to myself was to attend a past life regression workshop with Mira Kelly and she shared some wise words with us about, “following everything that excites you, not to let fear get in the way and be open to new experiences.” 

I know, I could read this in a book, yet it rings true as I want to make changes in my life for the good, yet get stuck and end up sitting on the sofa making excuses. 

At work, im a part of a strong womens network and we were working on our video’s for #passthetorch4women and I wrote and recorded to be more of an inspiration and influencer for women to be their authentic selves, but in hindsight I need to remember to do this, it has to start with me. 

I need to be comitted to nuturing my own soul before I can be committed to inspiring change in others. 

I’m committing to myself to make more positive changes, to challenge myself and inspire myself to be better. 

Committing to be better with nuturing myself, healing my body and getting myself back in shape physically and mentally inside and out. 

I’m on a new path…of taking care of myself first and loving who I am and who I’ve become, so that I can allow love in my world and make a difference through my changes. I am going to trust myself more and listen to my body, mind and not give as much to others of myself, but support from the side as a partner. 

This may be a great new beginning. 

What am I doing?



Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? There are twists, turns, emotions, sadness, excitement and heightened feelings and emotions, as you try to fit everything into a small amount of time. 

You’re partner is like a dealer of love or attention, and when they pull away or don’t lend that same attention or feeling to you…you want it more. It’s a sick game that your mind plays on you, as you slip from being that once confident person to becoming the one lying on the bathroom floor or laying in an empty be night after night going over every detail to try to figure out just when you stopped being the one and turned into that pathetic, needy version of yourself. 

I’m not that person, but I can tell you from experience, I’ve been that person more than once. In all of life, I’ve never had one  homerun in life in love, where I’ve felt the comfort in knowing someone will still be waiting for me when I get home… unless you’re talking about my four legged friends. Let’s be honest, they stay because I feed them. 

In the back of my head, I always think that it is just a matter of time until this happens…the second guessing, a rough day and the day ends with one or both of you not making each other a priority. 

Things slip, you stop talking a day here, stop sharing ideas, and you both add some space to focus on work, life and etc…until it eventually fades into just friends. I don’t handle this well when I can’t see someone, and I’ve never been good at long distance relationships or relationships where one travels too much between seeing one another. 

Part of me knows this, then the other part is holding onto hope or a glimpse of this working out. It’s a cruel joke that life plays on you, especially when there are so many odds against you from the beginning. 

My core tells me that it’s about managing, “the little things” and through these affirmations daily, you can try to beat the odds, but in life there are no guarantees and all is fair in Love and war, they say. 

Happy Valentine’s Day

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I’ve gone through the emotions of a fantastic date, a great love, to en emotionally unavailable ex, a string of bad dates from a Karaoke King to a Broadway Producer, then a Diplomat, the single parent, the Angry date and there is always one common theme… I just wanted to find someone that shared the same kind of strange ideas as myself, who could talk with me for hours and that in the end, I could find a connection with.

To all of the drinks, lonely nights, sonnets written, poems, mixed tapes, and playlists in the end… I just want him to whisper in my ear that he cares, hold my hand, talk with me about life and kiss the hell out of me like he means it.

If you find one of the above, you’re a lucky person. Hold onto it because passion is rare at times when love and friendship wavers, if you’ve not found it yet, have hope as it is waiting around the corner when you least expect it.

Swiped Right

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It may have started with a swipe left or a swipe right, then a charming bio about his love of travel, dining and life and a few goofy photos while traveling posted on a profile, yet now I find myself waiting for each exchange from this man, who was once just a swipe right.

I’m grateful for his kind words, his romantic gestures and ache for all that he could become. All that I know is that I love the way that he makes me smile, the way his words touch my soul and how I imagine our days and nights together.

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Chinatown & The Happy Ending…

Chinatown & The Happy Ending….

Chinatown & The Happy Ending…

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I should have known this was going to be a strange day….any day in New York City can turn into an adventure quickly…New York City is a bitch, but I love it.

As I stand waiting on the platform, I notice the train schedule time is not changing frequently, it’s actually saying 2 minutes, but it’s now been 5 minutes and the time is now going up. There is a strange amount of traffic walking into the subway platform, which is a bit concerning to see it filling up so fast, with no relief of a train…meanwhile, we hear a muffled message about local trains being delayed downtown. This is when simultaneously, two older men, one to my left and one to my right start screaming obscenities about the costs of the subway and the “God Damned Delay’s!! We pay money for this shitty service!” one screamed, while the other screamed, “God Damn It! I got delayed 3 times yesterday on the fucking bus!! What the hell is wrong with the MTA!?!?” and he throws his paper into the subway tracks. Note to self, do not sit next to these men.

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Meanwhile, I am monitoring the platform fill up more and more and wait patiently for the train.  It finally arrives and to my surprise, it’s not a normal 6 train with the blue newer seats…it’s one of the older subways that runs on the west side with the brown panels and orange and yellow seating, no electronic messaging or notification of the times, delays, or next stops…which means that the speaker system is not the best either. I think, “Shit, what in the hell am I doing on this train!?”

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As we finally get moving, the conductor tells us that we are now running express from 42nd to Brooklyn Bridge due to an accident at 33rd. Then, we get another message as we are being held again that there is now “No Service below 42nd on the 4, 5, or 6 trains and the train is being re-routed for uptown when we get to Grand Central!” WTF! I think to myself, “Damn…it must be a jumper”…and exit at Grand Central. I call my friend that I am meeting for lunch and tell her I’m delayed and walking there…meet me in 30 minutes, as I have to walk there.

I walk west across Bryant Park to head south to Eataly to meet my friend for lunch, when I finally make it there, this place is so fucking crowded with tourists and she is nowhere in sight. I text her and she says that, “she cannot talk now, but will call/text soon?!” WTF?!  Today has been a complete shit show…I need a drink.

When she arrives, we have a bit of a wait for the table, then I order my food with a huge glass of wine, then another.

At this point, I’m being grilled by her on the trade secrets of dating in the United States, well specifically in New York City, as she is from the Philippines.

I’m like, “well… It’s difficult to meet people at our age, let alone date.” At this point in my life, I settle for a good book, a hot bath and a bottle of wine most weekends.  However, she knows that I have been actively dating and have been in relationships, as the 2 times that we have both met and gone out, I have been involved with men. Yes, the only 2 men that I have been with in over a year happened to be timed right around the same time that she has been visiting in the New York City area.

She asks way too many questions. At some point, I tell her this. As she asks me more questions, I am reminded of needing another glass of wine. Yes, if they could pour the entire damned bottle in my glass, I’d be happy at this point.

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The constant grilling of questions is reminding me of an interview and quite exhausting. Especially, when I cannot seem to figure out the “code to dating in NYC, let alone in America.”

I have been really good at being single most of my adult life. I could be voted off the island for this, I presume. One of my guy friends, recently told me that he needed to start lying to people about being “divorced” now, as people look at him funny because he’s in his 40’s and has never been married, let alone engaged. It’s sad because I can definitely relate to his dilemma, as I’m in the same category.

After lunch, we walk down the Highline, through the West Village, The Village, and Soho and to Chinatown, where she wants to buy me a Bubble tea and the plan is for us to get cheap massages. After walking 8-10 miles today…

I think to myself…”A massage does sound nice.” In my mind, I’m thinking spa…this is where that phrase, “Little did you know” comes into play. Let the fun begin.

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We walk down Canal Street, and then we wind through the back alleys of Chinatown that I have never explored before. Imagine a fucked up maze of tiny streets with bright neon signs for massage parlors that are lit up and you know, they don’t look very clean, nor do they look very legitimate. My inner American girl that grew up in a middle class, southern/midwest family is screaming, “What the hell are you doing here!?! GO HOME!” However, she’s leading us deeper into the evasive maze and says that she always goes here when she is in New York. So, I let her lead the way.

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As we wind through the streets, we pass many massage parlors, nail salons, hair salons and etc. all on the left side of the narrow street.

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Then, we go into the smallest, thinnest store front with some strange writing on the wall and a fake rose bush on a table to the left of the hallway with a bright massage menu that I glimpse at as my friend is barking commands to the man and ladies in waiting area, that are greeting us as we walk in. The people that work here do not speak much English; they speak some words, but nod a lot; they smile and bow.

My friend seems to raise her voice louder to them acting like it makes them understand her more, since her voice is raised…this reminds me of something my mother would do and I laugh to myself.

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The girls that work here are dressed in a strange “dirty” girl kind of looking way, maybe it’s to entertain the big, older gentleman that I just saw dive into one of the stalls with a younger girl for a “massage”.

The area that you walk in has some strange pleather sofa’s to the right, then you walk through a doorway with beads, yeah beads like the 70’s draping down to a darker area with red lighting and there are strange curtains hanging up on both sides of the room separating the massage tables, I guess.

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They point me to one on the right. Mind you, it’s fucking freezing outside, so I have got a huge puffy coat, pants, sweaters, boots and etc. on and have a huge bubble tea in my hand. I walk beyond the curtain to undress and the space is obviously where they store crap, as the massage table is pushed up at the end against a small sofa with big bags all over it and shit everywhere. The massage table is so close to the curtain, that my legs hang out of it into the middle of the walkway and hands keep coming through the curtain as I undress. I place my belongings at the end of the massage table on the sofa with the other junk. The area around the table is about 6-12 inches from the wall/curtains on all sides. I finally get down to my panties and think, “Damn, whoever is massaging me must be in the Circus, as they’re going to have to trapeze into this tiny area and hang on strings to get around me to massage me! What in the hell did I agree to?!?”

Then, as I lay there practically naked, someone comes into the area around the sheet and for all that I know, my arse is possibly able to be viewed by anyone in the walk way. I’m trying to relax enough to enjoy a $40 hour full body massage.  Someone starts rubbing my back and maneuvering around the table…I’m a ball of pins & needles and I cannot relax.

In my mind, I’m thinking…”What the fuck am I doing here!? Only $40? Am I still in New York? This place is scaring the crap out of me…are these people legal? Are they slave labor? Is that grunting that I’m hearing in the other stall? For fucks sake, what have I agreed to?!”

Then, my concentration is broken by my friend yelling in the opposite stall that she needs someone new. Well, that meant that the person that she didn’t want was then exchanged with the person that I had at present, so they swapped.

Then, I get a woman…the only reason that I knew this is because she has her hair down and keeps draping it over my back as she rubs my shoulders and at some point, she directs me in a movement.Wait a minute, is there a monkey in here, someone just hoisted themselves on the table with me! What in the hell just happened?

Meanwhile, a man interrupts the massage through the curtains to ask me, “HOW LONG YOU NEED ONE HOUR?”  I reply, “Sure, whatever my friend has agreed to!” This was a strange reply that they did not understand, so they keep sending people over to ask in different ways, so I finally reply, “Yes. One Hour!” What am I doing here?

I’m being rubbed, groped, pushed and pulled all over my body and she is pulling down my panties and accidentally touching me in areas that she should not be that close to, so I keep shifting by body around the table and moving my head. Let’s just be clear, I am not here for any happy ending folks, nor do I care to get massaged in my nether region by a chick for cash. What in the hell is going on here?

After my massage is finally finished, I am shuffled out to the seating area on the pleather sofas with the strange Chinese woman that gave me the massage.She keeps showing me her hand and making a face. Apparently, she has been doing so many massages that she has injured her hand and She tells me, “You pay my boss! You pay my boss!” and then goes, “You tip me?!”

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So, I hand her a $20, and she hides it after looking around in both directions, then I sit and check my phone, foursquare, face book and wait for my friend to return and finish while listening to strange music on the sofa with this woman, while she puts on makeup and primps for the next person to enter the parlor.

As I sit there, I wonder about the big man that I saw going behind the curtain with the other young girl when we walked in, what in the hell kind of service is he getting? As, I started after and had an hour massage and I’ve been sitting here over 30 minutes now… Is this place a brothel too? Is he getting a happy ending? Gross.

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Once my friend finally comes out, she doesn’t stop there with the body massage, she has the owner giving her a 10 minute foot massage and her feet are on an ottoman, as he gets on his knees in front of her rubbing. She tells him that I need one and tells me that it’s included, I opt out, as it seems completely demeaning at this point, plus I’m ready to get the hell out of this place in fear that some authority will come in and bust it up at any moment.  I make an excuse, “that I don’t want to take off my boots again.”

After her massage, we walk through the streets and wind back to the main streets and get back to Mott Street to modern day civilization. This is when we determine that we should get some food for dinner.

We see people standing in line for dumplings and dim sum and opt for another szechuan restaurant that looks pretty popular. Again, I need to explain that I am American, now this means that I’m somewhat adventurous, but only to an extent and fish is a touchy food item for me. I love sushi, love sashimi and I love meat, but mine comes in pretty pieces, in packages in the store and etc. I think you understand.

My friend keeps asking about sharing food and I tell her that I’ll just order something, as I’m funny about eating fish. I look at the menu and it’s huge…opt for spring roll’s, something similar to Kung Pao Chicken and she orders some fish dish and other dishes.  She refers to me as such an “American”, and I think to myself, “Why yes, I am.” And I tell her about the time that someone tried slipping me some catfish to eat 20 years earlier and how upset that I was.

The spring rolls come, Dumplings come, I eat them too, then the Kung Pao dish, and I’m eating some green beans that she has ordered to share and it’s a huge plate. At this time, I have no idea what is about to happen. This little waiter comes with a HUGE platter with a WHOLE FISH ON IT and puts it in front of me, in between the two of us. Then, she looks at me and says, “Dig In!”

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My face must have said it all…the waiter cut it in the middle exposing the bones everywhere and leaves it. She asked for Soy Sauce and rips into the fish like she’s never eaten before.

First thing she eats is the entire head, face, eyes and all with soy sauce, as I watch wondering about the bones, eyes and lips…then, eats the fins and explains that in Asia, this would be something that is fought over first in a meal.

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Meanwhile, she is asking me if I want some. I reiterate that I’m funny about certain foods…fish, being one of them and the fact that she just ate the entire face off the fish…it’s messing with my appetite. You see, I’ve realized that American’s, or at the least, this one, we do not like to eat things that look back at us on the plate. I explain this to her as well, then as she goes back into the banter of asking questions about dating American & men in New York City while devouring the remainder of the fish. I am thinking to myself, I wonder if any of the men that I know and have dated would react well to someone eating a whole fish in front of them, let alone the head first. After we are finished, she had the server package up the remaining food, both the fish and the food that I had not eaten to take home with her.

This evening was good, but a very strange adventure in New York City…. When I got home, I seriously scrubbed my entire body clean in the shower to ensure that I was clean before getting into my bed for the night.

As I’m dying for another massage, I’m still not tempted to return to this land of the happy ending.

Bad Choices…always make Good Stories…

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I recently found myself entering a Sex Club or Sex Party in New York City.  This is not a typical Saturday night for me. No, I’m not a Swinger. I’ve never had a threesome; I’m actually extremely loyal and very committed and monogamous when I’m involved with someone. I’m not addicted to sex and I don’t watch porn. However, I’m no prude, I have always been adventurous in a normal way, but nothing could be classified as strange or close to that category.

You see, I met up with a friend, a guy that I dated briefly- turned just friend and after we had a few glasses of wine, he talked me into going to another bar with him. He knew me all too well and knew that I’d be open to an adventure, so he asked me earlier in the week if I’d go to a party with him, and then it turned into a “Couples Party”, then “Swinger club”, after telling him that I was not comfortable going earlier in the day, we ended up just meeting for some drinks and catching up. After a few drinks and sharing our photos and stories of the past year with one another, he told me about the club that he was talking about and that he’d been there before with an ex and it was “interesting people watching and a good story”. So, being the adventurous one that I am, we took a walk in search of a bar/party. After walking around midtown, we walk by a building and as we spied some rather suspicious/sketchy people entering into the building and getting in the elevator, he tells me that it’s the place. This is Swingers Bar that he told me about. The place is BYOB, so we go get a six pack of beer and I already lay down the rules that I am under no circumstances getting naked or walking about in my lingerie in front of people.. He tells me that I can wear a robe, if we get that far; however, we will just hang out in the bar area first to “people watch”, meet a few others and if we are comfortable…then, “go with it, but only if I’m comfortable.” otherwise, we just have some beers in the bar area and leave.

This is where the adventure begins…or the lack there of one.

It’s in the low 40’s temperature wise and I am freezing usually, but while we walk, I am sweating monkey balls in anticipation for the evening, plus I’m not convinced that this is something that I’m game to experience right now, I’m not feeling too sexy…I have some weight to lose (after steroids in spinal injections and etc) and my confidence is not what it once was. So we walk to the closest deli, we debate on the brand of beer that we’re buying and he pays for it. I make small talk with the guys behind the counter selling some herbal liquid ginger concoctions displayed all over the counter…to help with the nervous energy that I’ve got at present in the circumstances ahead.

When you move to New York City, people tell you about the terrors of apartment hunting, weather, cost of living, people and etc., but no one prepares you for surviving a Sex Party, which is not uncommon here. There are all varieties of these, some like the movie’s that you’re imagining to lower level Sex Club’s that cost a couple $100-1000+ entry and they have buffets, BYOB, different lounge areas, dance floors, acts, locker rooms, sex room’s where all must be naked and or in lingerie and the men get to wear robe’s… you get the picture. No single men allowed, single women are and couples. The men like watching “girl on girl” action, or in some of these clubs the couples actually go off together to make out, fuck, suck or heavy touching in the corners…I hear that some parties couples do swing and swap partners as well.

So, we have the six pack of beer and walk towards the place and have to walk through a crowd of people waiting to get into a club for bridal parties and etc. As we enter the building, I’m nervous…he’s leading. We get into the elevator and I’m nervous as all hell, but we go to the floor that the club is on. However, we are talking about the other names of the clubs in the building, one being “E E Club” and we are speculating what that could be as well. Then, the elevator doors open and my friend is quite tall; he’s over 6 ft and his head is almost hitting the ceiling. The doors open to a 1980’s décor and there are several naked mannequins draped in beads with a few disco ball’s hanging and weird lighting and Christmas type lights on the backdrop, then a door with a buzzer. We enter and behind the counter is a woman…. There are security cameras as well watching the elevator. Lovely.

I stand back and let my friend lead the way and do all of the talking. First we are greeted, the woman asks if we are member’s and tells us it’s a private party this evening and unfortunately, we cannot come in tonight, but urges us to come back the following week. She tells us that Friday’s are especially open, since most have private events on Saturdays. Meanwhile, I’m standing a few feet behind him and taking in the scenery and experience.  There are signs on the counter that say,” No jeans, no tennis shoes and etc.”, which is interesting as basically, since the ultimate goal here is to remove the clothes that you come in anyways, so what does that matter?

Since they have a private event, It offers me some serious relief as I’m realizing that even with the open mind that I have, this is not the time/night for this to be experienced. As my partner in crime continues speaking with the woman, I’m watching people come out of the elevator to be greeted by a man. The man, who obviously works there or is the host for the party looks at me in a most devious manner up and down and smiles at me like a Cheshire cat. He’s greeting couples of all sorts most that are toting bags for changing clothes, I’m guessing and imagine Euro trash looking, or older couples, an older man, younger woman very much throwback’s from a different time, but you get the point. As we walk out to leave and catch the elevator, another couple steps into the lobby from the elevator and we notice two men in leather in the elevator waiting. This is when I ask, “Hey, do you know what the E E Club is?” and the reply is, “Umm… No, I don’t”; however, that was obviously where they were heading. This is funnier because it’s 11pm on a Saturday evening…haha.

After the adventure, we catch a taxi back to my place, drink the beer and have a very PG rated evening on my sofa watching a movie, then he passed out on the sofa and I, was alone in my bed, well…with my cat.  🙂

The next morning, I looked up the “E E Club” and it was a sex club for gay men only…bath house of sorts and we both had a good laugh before he left for home and we were making sly jokes about the whole experience and evening.

Bad Choices…always make for Good Stories…

What good memories

I have much to be Thankful for. Remember…It’s all about Love.

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Happy Thanksgiving…..

I have a lot to be Thankful for at present…yesterday, as I was walking into Starbucks and waiting for my Latte, I saw a man going through the trash bin on the corner of 81st/3rd Avenue… He was going through the bag that I’d just dropped in the garbage that was full of junk from my apartment. No food, just paper trash, bags and such…I was mesmerized watching him, and then…he took the bag with some of the garbage with him on his way. I realized, “Every day is a blessing and I’m Thankful that I have a roof over my head, which I have a place to sleep inside, (so does my cat) and that life is about more than the $5 drink that I’m waiting on in Starbucks.”

This year, I’ve lost my health, lost my faith, my love, my strength, my hope, gained some weight, lost my job, and felt like I was losing my mind at times. I went through 6 rounds of spinal epidural injections (wish I’d read the side effects more), served on a jury, traveled on a beach trip alone, made new friends, lost some friends, encouraged growth in others and in myself, lost myself and found myself…did I mention that I lost love too and am in the process of finding it again.

I put up my tree in my tiny apartment the other night and it’s made me so happy to just watch the lights, but it also could be from the wine that I’ve been drinking… or the Prosecco that I’m drinking right now, as I write and am awaiting my Thanksgiving feast to be ready. I made a turkey breast, stuffing, my amazing homemade garlic mashed potatoes, and I have gravy and vegetables to make. All for just me. Plus, I bought a pumpkin pie to take part in later…that was the hardest thing not to dive into before my meal. I love Pumpkin Pie.

I read that if Pumpkin Pie is your favorite pie that means that you’re very attractive… hahaha. I will take it.  Yes, I’m alone today for the holiday, I did not get up and venture out in the cold weather to watch the parade, but I stayed in my apartment to make dinner and relax today.  I wasn’t invited anywhere for the holiday and to be honest, I don’t think that I would’ve gone to anyone’s house anyhow, as I like my own cooking and really was looking forward to my time alone. I’ve received tons of texts, a facetime call with my niece in Texas, spoke on the phone with my mother in Texas and even sent a recipe over Facebook to a family friend for my mashed potatoes.

One of the highlights is that my hickeys are finally healing and with knowing the man is definitely on my mind that gifted them to me, it has been a strange beginning, yet nothing with him has been normal. Our first date was over 3 years ago. Since seeing him a week and a half ago, I’ve not really heard much from him…yet, today…I got a, “Happy Thanksgiving” text from him, which was very sweet and I guess in man language, it means that he’s still thinking of me and all is not lost in the land of a new beginning with this man. Why do we over analyze these little things?!

The quote for he and I would be, “You can’t rush something that you want to last forever.”

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My thoughts are positive. However, I’m not thinking he’s my forever, but am grateful to be open to love again after the past year, anything positive in my life makes me grateful. This could be the beginning of some kind of Wonderful. See. I think that I’m finding “hope” again, as well as my belief in love. My therapist recently told me that he finally see’s me opening up more again and showing more faith in love in my life.

I am Thankful for just having some good coming my way on this great holiday… I have much to be Thankful for.  Remember…It’s all about Love.

Dating….What you allow will continue…

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The initial date started as him being late, come to think of it, he was always late in meeting me… I was always waiting for him, and this should have been a sign. I know that I mention signs on occasion, but seriously….listen to your intuition, it’s usually right. So, we meet at a pub for a few beer’s, he with his Guinness and myself with a Smithwick’s, and I’m fresh off of being lied, cheated and in hopes of finding love in the city of NYC.

I am waiting there for him, text him with the details on where I’m seated, and I’ve already ordered a drink and have some while waiting for his arrival. In the time of waiting, I’m people watching and whoosh… a man comes in to my left and introduces himself to me… he’s in a blue suit, looks a little older or more mature, but is handsome in his mannerisms and personality in a cute boyish way and is seated a distance from me, but the way that he looks at me is sweet. He’s very happy and says that I look amazing, fantastic and much better than I do in my photos. He’s caught off guard and immediately, he shows me his work pass, id badge and tells me his surname. (Does this man know that was on my initial list to find out? Or is this Kismet/coincidence, or what?). We enjoy a few drinks, then, he excuses himself to call his daughter and returns to ask to sit on the bench beside me. It’s a sweet gesture, he’s taller than me by a bit and seems more boyish as the evening goes on… the British accent is adorable, but he’s been departed from his homeland since college and no longer refers to that as his home, he explains.

We end up going to a another location, share some food, more drinks and he managed to place his hand on my leg… at which time, I ask, “Do you think that it’s appropriate to have your hand on my leg when it’s our first date and we’ve just met?” He in turn laugh’s and makes a joke and removes his hand, but does anything to touch me playfully the entire evening. Since it was a work night, I ended it after feeling too tipsy and before rushing into a taxi, we kiss… he’s minty and I ask if he’s brushed his teeth between the restroom and street… he laughs and kisses me again.

It was a good date, but I was still unsure. On my way to work in the morning on Metro North, I receive multiple texts, emails and a LinkedIn invitation…which gave me full access to everything about this man… where he went to school, worked, real name and etc. Umm, did he know that I would be looking for this eventually, after that last experience? Maybe he was psychic. I was still hesitant, but after telling my coworkers about him…they urged me to see him again, stating that he seemed like a genuine guy and a good catch. We ended up texting a few times over the weekend, at one point, he replied sharply and I didn’t take it well. I had determined to write him off, but then on Sunday…he texted me after Pilates wanting to know if I’d like to meet for a coffee or walk or both, as his flight is now later in the evening and would like to see me.

I agreed. We met on the corner of W 23rd/6th, grabbed coffee and walked the Highline and talked. We walked the entire length down to the Meatpacking area, and then back to Chelsea and little did I know back to his apartment… where we had a beer on his rooftop and talked overlooking the river and the city. This was when I can remember looking at him and thinking, “I want to spend time with this man… Uh oh!?”

Our date was amazing, we grabbed another bite to eat, beer, sat in a pub talking before walking back to his high-rise and placing me in a taxi, where he kissed me, then returned 3 times to kiss me before heading to his apartment to catch his car service to the airport. He texted me that he had a great time… I was giddy with excitement… Had I just met a real guy, capable of a relationship? Visions of dates and kissing dancing through my head…

We continued to text, he sent me emails as well… flirting and were pretty cute. He started telling me that he missed me…

Over the next few weeks, he traveled quite a bit, and I had a friend in town, he was back/forth traveling to see his daughter and we were never able to see one another. Without seeing each other, things get funny, especially at the beginning of something. I didn’t know if I was expected to remain committed to him, but did. I removed my online dating profile, but he didn’t. He told me to keep it active, as he was “confident” and it did not bother him. Then, Hurricane Sandy came and went, distance between email’s grew, and then…replies to email’s went silent…

Well, he finally came back around Thanksgiving, but told me that he was “thinking” and not sure about everything and he’s gotten alarmed about an email that I sent to him seeming insecure about where things stood. I got a text from him on Thanksgiving, invited him over, and he said I’d hear from him later…and never got a reply. It was over, I’d come to the conclusion.

He then, sent me a text/email and told me that things were not over, he had just required some time to think about everything and was heading to see his daughter for the weekend and would be in touch Sunday. Sunday about 5pm, I received a text telling me that, “Apparently, my online dating profile was still active, so GOOD LUCK, Dear!” WTH! WTF? It was active because he has told me to keep it active, I haven’t seen this man in almost 2 months, this is insane. Were we committed?

At this point, I should’ve been committed to therapy and stopped dating all men until I was in a better place. I concluded that dating was over. Removed my online dating profile, picked up, flew to Florida for a girls weekend of laughter, tears and so much drinking…of course, I told my friends about this bastard that I’d met and what had happened, and they did what all normal friends would do, tell me to move on, he’s missing out, not worth it and it’s ridiculous how he had just cut off communication… maybe he had someone else and the travel wasn’t real. Well, at the least, it was just a few kisses, hand holding, but why all of the email’s and text’s? Odd.

The ironic thing is that Saturday night, I received a text from him asking me, “What are you doing?”. I replied that I was in Florida and he told me to have a good weekend and safe trip. WTF?

We exchanged the occasional text, email and over Christmas, “Merry Christmas!” The new year brought in new hope and he’d emailed me a few times flirting, but no actions…by February, we had decided that we will try this again. We saw one another more frequently, flirted, emailed as he traveled and texted. By my birthday in March, he sat with me at a bar telling me, “I more than like you and I can see myself proposing to you sooner than later.”, He asked to meet my parents, asked me to go on a long weekend with him, and I was grinning ear to ear in Lalaland, then he told me that he was going on a trip and would return in a week or so and would be in touch.

HIS EMAIL:

When he finally returned and sends me an email saying, “Safe yes, but the Organization I work for is moving me to Geneva and then Mali for a year. They apparently packed and moved my apartment contents to Organization’s storage yesterday:( –

I hope that they didn’t find anything dodgy!!! Lol

I will be leaving NYC officially on April 12th (night flight). Until then I will be in a company apartment in Tudor city. When I have seen how ‘glamorous’ it is then I may invite you over!

How is your week?”

 ME: 

Ummm…. WTF!?!

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…at the time, I was too far in that I fell for it. I never heard from him again, but to receive an email that he was settling things and would be in touch when timing was better.

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A month later, I am still hurt, and decide that things just don’t add up…I was going through some personal health issues, so my clarity wasn’t the best and I decided to write down a list, go with my gut instincts that I had been ignoring for so long and low and behold, I found his profile posted on the same dating site that I had met him on, but with a new user name.

Of course,  being the pissed off one, I sat on it, stewed and sent him an email letting him know that I’d seen this, and confronted him of what a shit move this was. Coward. He said he was only home 5 days/month and didn’t know what he was doing… blah, blah… I was hurt, I was defensive and not very nice in my replies, but wished him well.

About a month later, I calmed down… and saw him again. Mistake. Now, this was just fucking dumb girl, hurting and missing someone. He came over, told me that he’d missed me, apologized, and we kept in touch, half in always, and then half out…. Saw him again… conversations were fine, but there were signs the entire time that he was lying to me the entire time. I truly believe this man was also married with a family elsewhere, or a wife, girlfriend elsewhere…eventually, after strong communications and my telling him to not come back into my life again unless he was sincere as I couldn’t do this anymore…. He came back again emailing me in September, then…. Disappeared for good this time, even removed me from his social media and with no explanation. My intuition tells me that someone found out about me somehow, he was committed to someone else and only having fun with me, or trying to steal time with me…. I will never know. This man lied to me so many times and had I not been in a tough place health wise, stress wise and had the clarity to see him for what he was, I wouldn’t have allowed him to keep playing hokey pokey with my heart. Remember… “What you allow….is What will continue.”

He’s walked away from my life and was not a blessing, but a huge lesson. I told him once before….

It’s like the saying… “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” The truth is, he didn’t give a damn about me and I never should have put so much belief in everything that he said.

Whatever Karma that he taught me for something that I did, it’s been dealt with. I just wish that he never would have come back into my life again to only have shredded every sense of faith that I had in finding someone.

You know, people don’t always remember the words that people say, but they will always remember the way that you made them feel and he made me feel lower than low more times than not.

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That what does not kill us makes us stronger…You’re a lesson or a blessing, blah, blah, blah… bullshit. You get my point. On the bright side, he didn’t stifle my growth… I did learn a lot from him and will never allow anyone to come into my life again and just start spewing madness like this. Unless their actions match their words, I will not concede to them. I love that I was able to trust again, I did adore him, when we were together, we got along so well, the way he looked at me was so sweet and his smile matched, but in the end, his actions never matched his words. I don’t blame him for everything, but I think that moving forward when looking for love, you need to go all in, but bring your brain with you and be careful who you trust and who you give your heart to. People should earn this right to be so valuable in your life…it shouldn’t just be given freely. I wish him the best in life, but have said my peace with it. He broke not only my heart, but my spirit. I did love him though and still do.

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One Day, someone will walk into your life…

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After the drama of being lied to by, “The Namechanger”, you can imagine my view on dating again, especially via online methods were skewed completely, as I had just managed to have one of those awful experiences where it becomes urban legend and you only hear in bar’s over too many drinks at a Happy Hour with your girlfriends…dating nightmares, men to be suspicious of and dating drama…haha.. all of them were me, in a nutshell. I was for a brief moment, calm…processing it, then I was indifferent, then I managed to get truly upset and started second guessing my own actions to have not noticed that I was being lied to in multiple areas.

Moving forward, we must change the rules:

  1. More than one photo is a must
  2. Proof of a real name on an email (yes, this too can be faked).
  3. Proof on where they work, live and etc. (Do some research on LinkedIn and etc.)
  4. Meet friends; ask more about their background, lifestyles and etc.

I continued to be “open” to online dating, and so walks in “The Good Guy”… He was such a good guy, that he still makes me laugh and smile when I think of him, but it was not good timing on my part, nor was I ready to date quite yet and even though I would want us to work out because I did enjoy his company, we just weren’t compatible.

He was one of those people who doesn’t own a TV and is very proud of the fact that he hasn’t watched a sitcom or owned a TV in over most of his life. I have a DVR and watch and record more series than he’s heard of, I keep my TV on all of the time, and even when working…I cannot live without watching my TV. I should tell you that I not only have a TV, I have a SMART TV with 3D, Internet and subscribe to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Amazon & Netflix and actively watch all of them.

He’s always in a triathlon, he is divorced, and he’s into outdoors to the extent that I’m not, but it all sounds amazingly exciting. I do Pilates, yoga and am not a runner. I surf on the sofa.

We had a few great dates and ultimately, after I returned from a trip to Cabo, he met me after running a triathlon, then plying in a tennis tournament, to walk The Met Museum with me, then drinks, and dinner. At the time, I was trying to battle a virus that I’d returned with from Cabo, which was making me extremely sick. Because he lived so far away, I did allow him to sleep over, but it was just sleep (seriously). Then, he woke me up at 6am, then at 7:30am wanting to go take a brisk walk along the river, find some coffee, croissants and etc. Mind you, I am not a morning person. So, this was not sealing the deal here. I need someone to coax me out of bed, fill me with coffee and then, send me on my way.

I wished on some level that I could be the girl who would be able to compliment him for who he was and yet, I knew I couldn’t. So it faded away and all ended with no more contact. I think that we’re still connected on some social media outlet, I did see him once while walking through Grand Central and he was speaking with someone else and didn’t see me, which was strange enough…who runs into anyone in Grand Central at rush hour?

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With this, I had kept my online dating profile up, but was about to take it down when I received an odd email that morning on my way to work on the Metro North train and read it… It read, “I wanted to reach out to you once again, as I never received any reply from my first email and there was no photo posted of me, as I need to be discreet with my job. However, I have a few up now and would like to meet you and learn more about you…. Cheers,”

Hmm… He was handsome, british (hmm..love the accent), my age..(hopefully, this was true), his online profile name had the word, “HONEST” in it (could this be a sign?), and so I replied something like, “Many apologies, I was about to remove my online profile when I saw this. However, I do not recall seeing an email from you before, but if there was not a photo attached, generally, I will erase it… Sorry? Heather”

He initiated a dialogue back and forth for the next week it seemed via chatting and email’s learning about one another and flirting innocently, maybe two weeks until he sent me one on a Saturday asking if I would like to meet him or available for a drink that week, preferably on Wednesday evening. I decided to accept, but had thought nothing much about it. As I’d resolved myself to no more piss poor dating scenario’s, all would be me as a guy going in as a drinking buddy…laughs and a good time, but not thinking about it being something romantic, as that would likely just break my heart again, or possibly just kill what hope that I had left inside me. At this point in my life, I had become a vulnerable, emotional woman and had found myself for the first time in my life wanting to find a partner.

In walks in, “The Diplomat…