Moving out of the darkness into the light

Depression cripples you… it’s like this dark secret you hide deep within, but it’s always there in the shadows lurking and pulling you back with a few whispers… “You’re worthless… you’ll never amount to anything… come back inside this shell with me… no one cares for you out there…you’re all alone!”

It always appears like a fog creeping in overnight and there is a crow making noise reminding you that you belong with them in the darkness… far from the light. The emptiness inside your soul, bones, mind and heart creates pools of tears at the drop of a hat to slide down your face…without notice, you’re pulled back into the abyss of familiarity that you once climbed far away from.

Yes…. I have a history of depression or just being sad…anxiety. Maybe it’s because we moved around so much in my childhood and I was always forced to reinvent myself, new friends, new life, and all during my high school years.

I remember my earliest memories in my early teens and my wanting to get lost in a sea of sleep. I just couldn’t get myself out of the feeling of melancholy and sadness that would overcome me like shackles…I carried the weight with me for years. Who knew then, that this would be a lifelong battle with periods of desperation and times that were so low, it’s miraculous that you made it out alive.

Well, my old nemesis that is Depression has shown its ugly head again over the past few years.

When things were not going well in my life, financial issues, when my apartment caught fire, or the ceiling caved in and I had to move quickly, or the time that I lost my love, or I was in so much pain that I ended up needing surgery on my spine…the other time I lost my love, plus the struggle of recovery to the time that I lost my job with no severance and lost my insurance 60 days post surgery. I’ve lost so much over the past few years…my house, jobs, pets, loves and have literally had to abandon things and walk away just enough to survive the flames called my life without getting burned up myself.

My challenges with depression have been a lifelong struggle. They go in waves, but lately and especially this year, it’s been severe with every hurdle, every path that I take is a journey on survival.

This was also why I went dark over the past few years and stopped writing… hiding the words and avoiding the voice inside me begging to come out.

There was a time that I wished that I would be able to fall asleep and wake up with all of this washed away. Then there are other times that would hold onto this like a long lost friend.

Lately, everything is better when it’s time to go to bed…I hate waking up and struggling with my plans for the day, reading my emails, applying for jobs, scheduling interviews, then seeing my bank account and knowing my best bet is to stay in bed.

My wish is to regain myself in 2018, get back to my core being, better health, heal my body, listen more, help more, be kinder, better, go to yoga more, date more, explore more, Love more and travel more. Let go of the things that are not serving me well and be more of a minimalist in some ways. Life isn’t about things…it about the moments.

Every day is a struggle, people are fighting silent battles all around you and in the end, try to be kind and be grateful for the people in your life that are there to help.

When you’re at you are feeling close to rock bottom, you’ll find out who your true support system is. These are The keepers… friends and family. Without them right now, I would be lost. I’m at my most vulnerable and am grateful every day that they haven’t given up on me yet.

I am so thankful that I have my family and friends in my life. With the holiday season upon us, they’re bringing in the light to my life right now.

Xx

New Life, New Land, New Love & New Beginnings… Happy New Year

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It’s been awhile… 2014 was a year of loss, pain, hard work, struggles, battles, there were a lot of tears and times that I was tested beyond my own beliefs.

I endured a difficult year, starting with a new job, struggling with difficult people, had my heart broken into several pieces, mourning the loss of a dog, a cat, family and friends, there was an injury, surgery, a new job, an old job, another new job offer, then another job offer to stay with the promise of many treasures should I build the castle as deemed.

My struggles were mine, they were both internal and external, yet I held myself to be true to who I was, kept my strength and proved that I was beyond being defeated by them. I traveled to Europe, across the states, made new friends, lost some friends, fell out of contact with some, and built a new plateau of which I needed to rise to.

In helping friends, I gained a cat and found a new love in something so innocent. #sparecat

I lost love, mended my heart, received redemption, a sweet goodbye, validation and walked away with pride. I met old loves from my past as new friends, and I went on many, many first dates and with each one getting worse and more comical, I never let it kill my belief or sense of wonder that there was someone out there.

I spent time with my family and friends and was lucky enough to hug them all.

In the end of the year, I look back and realized that I made several new friend’s last year, most of them have proven to be the best parts of 2014 and renewed my faith in people & new connections in this life.

With all of the lessons of 2014, I have no regrets. I’m ready for a new year… new beginning and I am on a new track…. Over time, I will catch up on the stories of 2014 and the new adventures to be had in 2015.

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Thank you for the follow and the support…

xx

Bad Choices…always make Good Stories…

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I recently found myself entering a Sex Club or Sex Party in New York City.  This is not a typical Saturday night for me. No, I’m not a Swinger. I’ve never had a threesome; I’m actually extremely loyal and very committed and monogamous when I’m involved with someone. I’m not addicted to sex and I don’t watch porn. However, I’m no prude, I have always been adventurous in a normal way, but nothing could be classified as strange or close to that category.

You see, I met up with a friend, a guy that I dated briefly- turned just friend and after we had a few glasses of wine, he talked me into going to another bar with him. He knew me all too well and knew that I’d be open to an adventure, so he asked me earlier in the week if I’d go to a party with him, and then it turned into a “Couples Party”, then “Swinger club”, after telling him that I was not comfortable going earlier in the day, we ended up just meeting for some drinks and catching up. After a few drinks and sharing our photos and stories of the past year with one another, he told me about the club that he was talking about and that he’d been there before with an ex and it was “interesting people watching and a good story”. So, being the adventurous one that I am, we took a walk in search of a bar/party. After walking around midtown, we walk by a building and as we spied some rather suspicious/sketchy people entering into the building and getting in the elevator, he tells me that it’s the place. This is Swingers Bar that he told me about. The place is BYOB, so we go get a six pack of beer and I already lay down the rules that I am under no circumstances getting naked or walking about in my lingerie in front of people.. He tells me that I can wear a robe, if we get that far; however, we will just hang out in the bar area first to “people watch”, meet a few others and if we are comfortable…then, “go with it, but only if I’m comfortable.” otherwise, we just have some beers in the bar area and leave.

This is where the adventure begins…or the lack there of one.

It’s in the low 40’s temperature wise and I am freezing usually, but while we walk, I am sweating monkey balls in anticipation for the evening, plus I’m not convinced that this is something that I’m game to experience right now, I’m not feeling too sexy…I have some weight to lose (after steroids in spinal injections and etc) and my confidence is not what it once was. So we walk to the closest deli, we debate on the brand of beer that we’re buying and he pays for it. I make small talk with the guys behind the counter selling some herbal liquid ginger concoctions displayed all over the counter…to help with the nervous energy that I’ve got at present in the circumstances ahead.

When you move to New York City, people tell you about the terrors of apartment hunting, weather, cost of living, people and etc., but no one prepares you for surviving a Sex Party, which is not uncommon here. There are all varieties of these, some like the movie’s that you’re imagining to lower level Sex Club’s that cost a couple $100-1000+ entry and they have buffets, BYOB, different lounge areas, dance floors, acts, locker rooms, sex room’s where all must be naked and or in lingerie and the men get to wear robe’s… you get the picture. No single men allowed, single women are and couples. The men like watching “girl on girl” action, or in some of these clubs the couples actually go off together to make out, fuck, suck or heavy touching in the corners…I hear that some parties couples do swing and swap partners as well.

So, we have the six pack of beer and walk towards the place and have to walk through a crowd of people waiting to get into a club for bridal parties and etc. As we enter the building, I’m nervous…he’s leading. We get into the elevator and I’m nervous as all hell, but we go to the floor that the club is on. However, we are talking about the other names of the clubs in the building, one being “E E Club” and we are speculating what that could be as well. Then, the elevator doors open and my friend is quite tall; he’s over 6 ft and his head is almost hitting the ceiling. The doors open to a 1980’s décor and there are several naked mannequins draped in beads with a few disco ball’s hanging and weird lighting and Christmas type lights on the backdrop, then a door with a buzzer. We enter and behind the counter is a woman…. There are security cameras as well watching the elevator. Lovely.

I stand back and let my friend lead the way and do all of the talking. First we are greeted, the woman asks if we are member’s and tells us it’s a private party this evening and unfortunately, we cannot come in tonight, but urges us to come back the following week. She tells us that Friday’s are especially open, since most have private events on Saturdays. Meanwhile, I’m standing a few feet behind him and taking in the scenery and experience.  There are signs on the counter that say,” No jeans, no tennis shoes and etc.”, which is interesting as basically, since the ultimate goal here is to remove the clothes that you come in anyways, so what does that matter?

Since they have a private event, It offers me some serious relief as I’m realizing that even with the open mind that I have, this is not the time/night for this to be experienced. As my partner in crime continues speaking with the woman, I’m watching people come out of the elevator to be greeted by a man. The man, who obviously works there or is the host for the party looks at me in a most devious manner up and down and smiles at me like a Cheshire cat. He’s greeting couples of all sorts most that are toting bags for changing clothes, I’m guessing and imagine Euro trash looking, or older couples, an older man, younger woman very much throwback’s from a different time, but you get the point. As we walk out to leave and catch the elevator, another couple steps into the lobby from the elevator and we notice two men in leather in the elevator waiting. This is when I ask, “Hey, do you know what the E E Club is?” and the reply is, “Umm… No, I don’t”; however, that was obviously where they were heading. This is funnier because it’s 11pm on a Saturday evening…haha.

After the adventure, we catch a taxi back to my place, drink the beer and have a very PG rated evening on my sofa watching a movie, then he passed out on the sofa and I, was alone in my bed, well…with my cat.  🙂

The next morning, I looked up the “E E Club” and it was a sex club for gay men only…bath house of sorts and we both had a good laugh before he left for home and we were making sly jokes about the whole experience and evening.

Bad Choices…always make for Good Stories…

What good memories

Unrequited love…the cruelest version of love there is.

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Unrequited love

Web definitions

Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as “not reciprocated or returned in kind. …

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love

I’ve been the victim of this feeling and honestly can recall during these times in my life that they were some of the worst holidays that I’ve ever had, not to mention years.

Shakespeare said that, “Journeys end in lovers meeting”…. I have yet to experience this, but he also said, “Love is blind.” This, I have known all too well.

Love is something that we all are in search of throughout this journey in life; it’s something we are always wanting. We seek out love within our family’s, our friends, and our pet’s, in our work, through our experiences and such. Life is not such, but you see, I’ve willingly given myself in love to some men and it’s only to have been unrequited… In looking back, these were the worst Christmas’s, birthdays, and holidays and years at times, as I was always trying to see the value in the moments that were met with these lover’s that I had. You see, I was lying to myself about what the situation truly was and I imagined that what they had told me in our times together, were not only that of value, but of honestly and truth.  They did not love me back and in all honesty, looking back. I don’t know if I truly loved them either. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I spent many New Year’s Eve’s alone for years, only to bring in the New Year with a constant drink in hand and a cruel hangover in an empty bed.

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This is definitely a new holiday season and when I wonder what is missing, it’s not that I live thousands of miles from my family, but it’s that I’m not a victim of unrequited love at present, not even a love interest… I don’t have love in my heart right now for anyone,  but I’m completely open to finding love again, but only if it’s the passionate, fall in love, butterflies in my stomach, hand holding, kissing and walking around with a grin ear to ear kind of love. Wish me luck and follow me on my journey.

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Dear Past, Thank you for all of the lessons…

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If I were to write myself a letter, it would begin with…

Dear Past, Thank you for all of the lessons.  Dear Future, I’m now ready!!!

My life has been similar to that of Alice in Wonderland at times…however, I never fell down a hole literally, but I’ve been on an adventure in search of my path, since I can remember. I have been in search of finding myself, traveling the world, friends, new jobs, and for love.

I’ve always had a saying…

New Life, New Land, New Love & New Beginnings

I believe that after chasing my dreams and finding myself in my travels, career and encounters that I’m finally open to finding love…

Let the adventures begin…

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If it weren’t for the bad, we wouldn’t know the good.

If it’s supposed to happen….It Will.

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Life is full of surprises….as you may, may not know that I have a long history of working in technology and consider myself somewhat of a nerd at times; however, when I’m working, I always have a difficult time with managing work/life balance. However, once I’m unemployed or on a break between contracts, I’m the most open to romance, happiest girl in the world…elated really and I guess that my energy is at its  best when I’m in search of my next big step.

It’s been a few months since my heart was ripped out, stomped on and made to feel like a dog’s chew toy. I am feeling much better health wise, as I’m back in Physical Therapy… I had a bad MRI last year, after limping and going through challenges of dealing with pain, numbness and etc. I was to learn that I have Spinal Stenosis (narrowing of my spinal canal), my L2-L5S1 are herniated, I have arthritis and slight scoliosis. As I was seeing, “The Diplomat”… I learned all of this and managed to go through 3 rounds of Spinal Epidural Injections (2 each time)…which are such fun. Imagine this, sitting on a gurney on your stomach in front of an X-ray while someone numbs your spine and back as they wait for the numbing to occur, they draw on your spine for entry points to stick a needle into the area’s between your discs to puncture the spinal area and first shoot a dye that they watch on the X-ray and then insert the steroids to try to help the injured area. The process while being numbed is frightening thinking that they’re working so closely on your spine, yet it’s oddly simple and complex at the same time. The pain is indifferent because I’m generally in a lot of pain and at the time, I was in a lot of pain. So, anything is worth trying to help ease the discomfort that I was in constantly.

As you can imagine, steroids manage to escalate your emotions, wreak havoc on your body, and you are only allowed so many during a specific time period because of the damage that could occur. Well, being alone living in NYC, living in a walk up, having no family, finding out that I had such issues that could result in worse issues…my mental state wasn’t the greatest. This man could’ve told me anything…I was not in a place to date anyone. It was clearly an emotional high to have him in my life…the one thing that I looked forward to, actually quite sad. My work life was dwindling, I felt as though I had a limited work/life balance, but would try to remain extremely driven and ensure that I was able to not only add value, but be able to deliver during this time, to not hinder my job as well.

I sought out a Therapist that specialized in working with people with illness and helping them manage the pain, then helping with their abilities through dreams, mental exercises in uplifting these issues. My only regret is not looking for him sooner.

At present, I realized that had I not been in such an ugly place mentally with my health, I never would have allowed such back/forth to happen in my personal life. I was a mess.

Since, I’ve been recovering, evolving, and gaining back my strength; my energy has been lifted… I took off on a vacation on my own for a week to Punta Cana, DR and loved it. My days were filled at the pool, near the beach and relaxing.

Why am I telling you this….as a result of working not only on myself mentally, but physically I am healing.

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I’ve not continued to online date recently; however, I’ve been on dates two Saturdays in a row without me leaving my apartment or doing anything different to be asked out.

Date #1 was with “The Name Changer”… haha. We ended up just meeting for drinks and having a few glasses of wine, catching up and realized that we are and will always be “just friends”. Nothing More.

Date #2…. Was a HUGE Surprise… It was with a man who I had met when I first moved to NYC and still had an apartment in St. Louis. We met online at Match.com, went on a great date, but due to timing…it just never worked out for us. We kept in touch and over the years, he would reach out and ask me out, but it just never happened. I’m not going to say too much about him, but after not seeing one another for 3 years, we had a great time together… It was a comfortable night, we talked, cuddled and kissed so much that I will smile thinking about him for the rest of my life. My friends keep asking me… “Are you going to see him again?”… My reply, “I don’t know… if he asks me out again, definitely. However, after everything that I’ve learned is that you cannot rush something or force it to happen. If it is meant to be, it will happen!”

He returned into my life for a purpose though and I think that all of the times that I have been talking to my angels and asking for Love, Passion, Kisses, Hand holding, hugs, and intimacy… they sent him to remind me what that felt like again. He taught me more in one night what I wanted and what I did not want. He reminded me that the “love” that I’d thought that I had with the guy I’d last dated aka “The Diplomat” was lacking the passion and sweetness that I yearned for.
Yes, we had sweet moments and he always told me that I was beautiful, but his actions did not always show this. He was always holding back and never gave me an entire evening talking & etc. There was always an end to the evening usually with me getting into a cab and crying myself back home. However bad it was in the end, I loved him, but it hurt me and he abandoned me without as much as a text goodbye.

However, Date #2 -The Dad, we can call him… He did. He met me at my train, hugged me, kissed me…took my bags, took me out, held my hand, watched me, he told me how happy he was to see me after 3 years and how much he’d thought about me over the years since and how many times that he’d wanted to call me. He held my hand, touched me and held me close, while we just sat on his patio talking and sharing stories…He’s shown me that I was worthy of love and that I could love someone again, my heart may have been hurt, but vulnerability is a beautiful thing, so is trusting someone with your heart….when they look you in the eye, take your hand and kiss you…. It is a promise. It may only be for the date, the night or a short time, but in the end… I will always know that he meant it.

I don’t know if I will see him again, but either way…I’m just going with it, letting go of everything, enjoying the ride and happy that it happened.

You see, sometimes you just need one person to remind you that you’re still capable of hope and open to love.

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One Day, someone will walk into your life…

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After the drama of being lied to by, “The Namechanger”, you can imagine my view on dating again, especially via online methods were skewed completely, as I had just managed to have one of those awful experiences where it becomes urban legend and you only hear in bar’s over too many drinks at a Happy Hour with your girlfriends…dating nightmares, men to be suspicious of and dating drama…haha.. all of them were me, in a nutshell. I was for a brief moment, calm…processing it, then I was indifferent, then I managed to get truly upset and started second guessing my own actions to have not noticed that I was being lied to in multiple areas.

Moving forward, we must change the rules:

  1. More than one photo is a must
  2. Proof of a real name on an email (yes, this too can be faked).
  3. Proof on where they work, live and etc. (Do some research on LinkedIn and etc.)
  4. Meet friends; ask more about their background, lifestyles and etc.

I continued to be “open” to online dating, and so walks in “The Good Guy”… He was such a good guy, that he still makes me laugh and smile when I think of him, but it was not good timing on my part, nor was I ready to date quite yet and even though I would want us to work out because I did enjoy his company, we just weren’t compatible.

He was one of those people who doesn’t own a TV and is very proud of the fact that he hasn’t watched a sitcom or owned a TV in over most of his life. I have a DVR and watch and record more series than he’s heard of, I keep my TV on all of the time, and even when working…I cannot live without watching my TV. I should tell you that I not only have a TV, I have a SMART TV with 3D, Internet and subscribe to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Amazon & Netflix and actively watch all of them.

He’s always in a triathlon, he is divorced, and he’s into outdoors to the extent that I’m not, but it all sounds amazingly exciting. I do Pilates, yoga and am not a runner. I surf on the sofa.

We had a few great dates and ultimately, after I returned from a trip to Cabo, he met me after running a triathlon, then plying in a tennis tournament, to walk The Met Museum with me, then drinks, and dinner. At the time, I was trying to battle a virus that I’d returned with from Cabo, which was making me extremely sick. Because he lived so far away, I did allow him to sleep over, but it was just sleep (seriously). Then, he woke me up at 6am, then at 7:30am wanting to go take a brisk walk along the river, find some coffee, croissants and etc. Mind you, I am not a morning person. So, this was not sealing the deal here. I need someone to coax me out of bed, fill me with coffee and then, send me on my way.

I wished on some level that I could be the girl who would be able to compliment him for who he was and yet, I knew I couldn’t. So it faded away and all ended with no more contact. I think that we’re still connected on some social media outlet, I did see him once while walking through Grand Central and he was speaking with someone else and didn’t see me, which was strange enough…who runs into anyone in Grand Central at rush hour?

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With this, I had kept my online dating profile up, but was about to take it down when I received an odd email that morning on my way to work on the Metro North train and read it… It read, “I wanted to reach out to you once again, as I never received any reply from my first email and there was no photo posted of me, as I need to be discreet with my job. However, I have a few up now and would like to meet you and learn more about you…. Cheers,”

Hmm… He was handsome, british (hmm..love the accent), my age..(hopefully, this was true), his online profile name had the word, “HONEST” in it (could this be a sign?), and so I replied something like, “Many apologies, I was about to remove my online profile when I saw this. However, I do not recall seeing an email from you before, but if there was not a photo attached, generally, I will erase it… Sorry? Heather”

He initiated a dialogue back and forth for the next week it seemed via chatting and email’s learning about one another and flirting innocently, maybe two weeks until he sent me one on a Saturday asking if I would like to meet him or available for a drink that week, preferably on Wednesday evening. I decided to accept, but had thought nothing much about it. As I’d resolved myself to no more piss poor dating scenario’s, all would be me as a guy going in as a drinking buddy…laughs and a good time, but not thinking about it being something romantic, as that would likely just break my heart again, or possibly just kill what hope that I had left inside me. At this point in my life, I had become a vulnerable, emotional woman and had found myself for the first time in my life wanting to find a partner.

In walks in, “The Diplomat…

Love The Way You Lie…

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And so the romance game begins…Rob goes back to The Upper West Side, where he lives…as I live on The Upper East Side. So, he’s conveniently just across the park, Central Park, that is.

I should preface that I’m 100% honest with him about who I am, my age, where I work, live, family and etc. I don’t crowd him, I let him make contact, and I go back to my life, continuing online with my dating profile because I am not assuming that there is anything more to the night with this new guy.

I make arrangements to meet another guy at a local bar nearby, who is a Corporate Attorney recently divorced, living in the suburbs, working in the city and has 3 small children. To be honest, I’m hesitant because of the children, but he’s determined and so, I agree to a drink. This guy’s name was something like “surfandsand” or something similar, I haven’t a good recollection.  When I get there, he is not there yet.. He texts me that he’s there, but at a table?! I’m like, “Come to the bar.. I’ve ordered a drink!” So, this is awkward, as a very large man shows up and he (again) does not resemble any of the photos that he has posted on his dating profile. These photos must have been 20 years old or something, or they were of a cousin, brother or some close friend. Odd. I am a big girl, I make the most of the situation, have some drinks, share an appetizer, share some stories and very nicely excuse myself and let him know that there is nothing that will happen between us, but I “thank him” for the drink.

Meanwhile, I have a crazy work week and Rob texts and calls me on both Sunday/Tuesday asking how I am and then, proceeds to ask me out on Thursday. I tell him that I actually have plans on Thursday night, and he tells me that is fine, he will meet me after/during my plans..and come over. Lol.

He ended up coming over early, after a long crazy day in the office and managed to buy us dinner takeout food, wine and we had a nice date on my sofa. Our date’s got more frequent, we saw one another 2-3 nights a w week and always a night during the weekend and a sleepover. Sometimes, 2 nights on the weekend.. a Friday or a Saturday and/or Sunday night. We end up just seeing one another, no one else and I’ve stopped online dating. It’s going so well and the best part is that it’s easy too. No drama, we’re spending a lot of time together and I’m happy. He referred to me as the most “unstalkerish” girl he’s dated..lol. I let him do all of the contact, unless I send him a follow-up.

We were in the hand holding, giving each other massages, climbing all over one another with both of us still stealing kisses as much as we could. We even spent many days lingering in bed cuddling..he was a cuddler and would bring his cuddling caravan over to cuddle with me all night and made me late to work and miss many trains, many days during this time…we had nicknames for one another, teased each other and laughed a lot. He even suggested that we take a trip together.

This went on for over 2 months…then, out of the blue, Rob told me that traveling to my place was tough now that he had moved to New Jersey?!? Imagine my response…First of all, when did you move? You’ve been with me every weekend? He said, just the other week to Weehawken, NJ and Upper East Side was tough to get to. He asked me to dinner Friday night, but wouldn’t be over until late, and would talk with me then. He arrived about 11pm and after a bottle of wine, I was in prime shape…

He confessed to me that he’d always lived in New Jersey, but he said Upper West Side because he did live there earlier in his years in the area. Since, moved to NJ. Dating NYC girls and living in NJ is tough.. Because we don’t generally want to commute to NJ and they know this, which is why men lie about this one item. However, that night, we ordered food, talked it out.. He told me he’s been lying about his age, and that he’s actually a few months older than I am, not 3 years younger. Then, when I asked about anything else. He said that was it.. He’d told me everything. When he left, all was good.. He showed me that his weekend when he was away was due to a side business that he ran, texted me photos of the show he was at and all the next night as a bit of proof to ease my mind.

I was deceived, but all was forgiven…or so, I thought.

The following week, I had a dinner, and gala to attend with a charity with friends and had told him that we’d be going to a rooftop after and to meet us. He’d been texting me while I was there and I didn’t notice a missed call from him until I was in a taxi on my way home to my apartment. There was no voicemail. So, I decided to call him back and to my surprise, I heard his voicemail that was transferred to his work voicemail.. With his voice, but using a DIFFERENT FIRST AND LAST NAME!!! As well as company and etc.

My stomach dropped, I got out of the taxi and vomited… Who in the hell had I been in a relationship with and sleeping with calling a different name the entire time in bed, introducing him to people and etc.?!?! I texted him the following:

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His response was that he didn’t know how to tell me, and basically everything had gotten out of hand in his responses on-line dating and he managed to really like me, not only physically, but my personality and didn’t know how to tell me. He’d supposedly had a bad experience before…OMG.

After a week of crying, feeling completely sick, after being with this man for 3 months…I was devastated by this situation. He continuously tried to make nice with me and apologize via text, phone and etc.
within about a week or 2, I finally gave in and let him come to my apartment and apologize to me in person. It was a bittersweet meeting, but I couldn’t trust him. I let him lead communication with me.. I met him one last time out and I left him in the bar as I turned in tears and caught a taxi home.

He texted me on occasion that he now was telling everyone the truth. No more lies, he realized what it did to me and I was the catalyst for him becoming honest. Lovely. He told me that he missed me.

After I met and dated others… we would remain in touch and tell one another of our current dating, but would leave it there.

Over a year later, we have become friends…somewhat, but never anything more. I didn’t know if I could recover again or trust after this episode..and it’s been over a year later and I still don’t have that innocent trust factor yet.

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